Parenting represents a new frontier in feminist progress. Many women I know, who have enjoyed the privilege of autonomy for much of their lives, experienced a profound clash with their feminist beliefs when they welcomed their little ones. If you’re like me and derive significant meaning from your career, the transition to being a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) can be quite challenging. After the birth of my second child, I made the choice to stay home, hoping to embody that mom who flourishes in her role. However, “flourish” is not quite how I would describe my experience.
The most difficult aspect of this transition was grappling with the intense dependence and interdependence of my new lifestyle. I’ve always preferred self-sufficiency, and suddenly, BAM! I found myself relying on others for income, moments of reflection, sleep, and even the luxury of eating without interruption. I felt, and I hate to admit it—needy and desperate. What would Audre Lorde do? I wondered.
Now, a year later, I’m ready to share the insights I’ve gained for those taking on this toughest job of all.
1. Release the Labels—For Your Own Sake
You’re not a “good” mom or a “bad” mom. You’re not a “natural” parent or a “failure.” You are a multifaceted individual with strengths and weaknesses, just like everyone else. I excel at emotional support but struggle with arts and crafts. I thrive on structure but cherish unstructured playtime. I dislike spending too much time at home, so I make it a point to get us out each day. I am a firm believer in sleep training. These are just facets of my parenting style. Like our identities, we must embrace complexity and avoid harsh judgments regarding our approaches to motherhood.
2. Embrace Your Struggles
Let’s be honest: motherhood can be incredibly unfair. From systemic patriarchy—high childcare costs, inadequate parental leave, low wages, and a disproportionate number of single parents—to the daily challenges of breastfeeding, sleepless nights, physical changes, and career disruptions, the burdens can feel overwhelmingly uneven.
On good days, I remind myself that I am also privileged; I enjoy the majority of cuddles and laughter, witnessing my kids grow and develop their unique personalities. But when exhaustion takes over, it’s tough to maintain that perspective. It’s okay to sit with your struggles. You don’t have to love every aspect of parenting. Channel your frustration into advocating for change, addressing injustices, or even contemplating the deeper questions about existence. These struggles are a significant part of what has driven feminists to create change throughout history. They are a healthy aspect of growth.
3. Trust Yourself, Just Like You Used To
This is why so many parenting blogs, podcasts, and books exist: no one really has it all figured out. We are all navigating the landscape of parenting alongside our feminist principles. One of the best parts of discarding outdated gender norms is the freedom to establish new values and choices for ourselves. Trust your instincts; if something feels right for you, pursue it. There are many valid ways to parent. My second child’s arrival showed me that everything I thought I had mastered with my first was laughably naïve! No one has all the answers.
4. Just Pass Him the Baby
This is particularly relevant if you have a male partner. If this doesn’t apply to you, I recognize that your challenges may differ, and I’m not equipped to advise on that.
Feeling equal in the workplace is often easier than achieving that balance at home. The differences in our socialization become glaringly apparent after children arrive. Research indicates that couples with less traditional gender views may experience lower marital satisfaction, likely due to differing expectations.
For instance, when the baby cries, your instinct might be to jump up and comfort them, while your partner may think, “She’ll take care of it.” A more traditionally minded mom might naturally feel this is her responsibility, while a nontraditional mom might want to scream.
Don’t scream. Instead, try to alleviate the tension. After a rough night, I once passed the baby to my partner, declaring, “I need sleep!” On another occasion, after he had taken a long nap, I handed him both kids and said, “I’m off to Target!” This helped me recharge.
As my baby nears their first birthday, I plan to drop the morning breastfeeding sessions to allow my partner to take on more responsibility. I’ll keep handing him the baby until he begins to take the initiative. To my surprise, my husband appreciates this approach—he’s happy to know how to support me without fear of making things worse.
As bell hooks stated, “In future feminist movements, we need to demonstrate how ending sexism positively impacts family life.” We have the opportunity to redefine motherhood, teaching our families to think critically about our roles. We can look into our partners’ and children’s eyes, recognizing their unique individuality while revealing our own.
For more resources on this journey, check out this post about home insemination, or visit Make A Mom for expert advice. If you’re considering fertility treatments, March of Dimes offers excellent guidance.
Summary
Navigating the journey of stay-at-home parenting can be challenging, especially for those who identify strongly with their careers. It’s essential to release self-imposed labels, embrace struggles, and trust your instincts to define your unique parenting style. Remember to communicate with your partner and work together to share responsibilities. As you redefine motherhood, you have a chance to create a loving environment that encourages critical thinking about family roles.