I found myself rearranging my hospital bag for the third time, cramming extra mesh underwear into the outer pocket. I was stalling.
For most new moms, the excitement of leaving the hospital after giving birth is overwhelming. They long to return to the comfort of home, settle into a routine, and snuggle their newborn in a cozy bed big enough for their partner too. They’re eager to embark on the journey of motherhood. Not me.
As I surveyed the room I was about to leave, I saw my duffle bag, three beautiful bouquets of flowers, a stack of congratulatory cards, and a mountain of gift bags filled with adorable baby clothes. My husband was en route to pick me up and take me home, but I was filled with dread as I stared at the door. I didn’t want to go.
A nurse came in to have me sign my baby’s birth certificate. I read my son’s name over and over, finally convinced we had chosen a strong name that would see him through life.
I tried to engage with the nurse, but my sadness was palpable. She quickly picked up on my distress and offered some words of comfort.
“The good news is you’ll probably be fully healed by the time your baby comes home,” she said.
That’s when the tears started to flow.
I knew she had good intentions, but her words felt hollow. Yes, my body would heal from the trauma of childbirth, but my heart wouldn’t mend until my baby was safely in my arms. Until my little one was discharged from the NICU, I felt utterly shattered and heartbroken.
As we left the labor and delivery ward, I continued to cry. By the time we reached the elevator, I was shaking so much that my husband had to support me. I barely recall how he got me into the car. As we drove away, I glanced back at the stark brick building—my baby’s temporary home.
“This isn’t right,” I lamented. “He needs me. His mother. I can’t leave him.”
“He’s getting the best care possible,” my husband reassured gently. “We’ll visit tonight. Just a few more hours. You need to rest.”
“But what if something happens?” Panic surged in me. I was haunted by every conceivable worst-case scenario.
Leaving the hospital without my baby was agonizing, primarily due to the fear of the unknown. I had to entrust complete strangers with my precious child, my own flesh and blood, during the hours I couldn’t be there. Thankfully, the NICU team turned out to be extraordinary caregivers.
Once I got home, I tried to keep myself occupied. I had envisioned my first days as a blur of feedings, diaper changes, and endless cuddles. But I hadn’t considered the possibility of returning home without my baby. It felt deeply unnatural. Hormones swirled through me, and every maternal instinct urged me to care for an infant.
Fortunately, I lived just a few miles from the hospital, allowing me to visit my son multiple times a day. Still, the hours at home felt agonizingly long as I should have been sleeping, eating, or showering instead. I pumped breast milk fervently, determined to nourish my preemie even though he was too small to latch. I meticulously washed tiny clothes in Dreft, folding them into neat little squares.
I wandered through the baby aisle at Target, my emotions fragile, and found myself tearing up in the diaper section when I spotted a mother with a thriving baby in her cart. I probably set a record for the most check-in calls to the NICU. In short, I did whatever it took to navigate this most challenging period of my life.
So, to the mother leaving the hospital without her baby, I want to share this message: Do whatever you need to survive. Your little one will be home before you know it. You’ve got this.
For more support, check out this blog post about navigating your journey. Additionally, Make A Mom offers valuable information on self insemination, and UCSF’s fertility insurance FAQ is a fantastic resource for pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary:
Navigating the NICU journey can be heart-wrenching for new moms who must leave the hospital without their newborn. It’s important to acknowledge the emotional turmoil and fear of the unknown during this challenging time. Finding ways to cope, whether through visits, pumping, or even reaching out for support, can help ease the burden. Remember, your baby will be home soon, and you’re strong enough to handle this journey.