I often find myself wondering why things unfold the way they do, and I’m left with so many unanswered questions. I don’t understand why you didn’t stay with us, as I had hoped and prayed you would. I can’t grasp why our IVF transfer didn’t succeed, why you didn’t blossom into the beautiful little ones I dreamed about. I’ll never get to hear your heartbeats, feel your tiny kicks, or experience the joy of having you grow within me.
I wonder why you weren’t destined to be my children. It aches to think that the siblings I already have won’t get to know you, and my parents won’t have the joy of calling you their grandbabies. I’ll never get to share the names I lovingly picked out for you.
I grapple with why I was chosen to carry the weight of infertility. Why can’t I just have a “normal” experience, and why does my body resist what my heart longs for? The emptiness you left behind lingers in my heart, my womb, and the part of my soul that connected to you when the doctor placed you within me. I don’t know how long it will take to heal these wounds, or if they ever will.
Yet, despite all the uncertainty, I hold onto one truth: I am grateful. Grateful for the sense of purpose you brought into my life. You made me feel like I was part of something much larger than myself. You shifted my perspective, turning my body from a source of frustration into a vessel of hope. You opened my eyes to the delicate nature of life and taught me to cherish it deeply.
I cherish the 11 days of “pregnancy” you gifted me. Even if it wasn’t a traditional experience, I felt the joy and anticipation that accompanies pregnancy. I made choices with your well-being in mind, opting for decaf coffee and avoiding hot baths, all while practicing prenatal yoga and monitoring my heart rate. I got a taste of that beautiful paradox of pregnancy, something so natural yet so incredibly special.
I appreciate the memories we created together. Even though I feel a void now, I can recall the fullness you brought into my life. You filled me with love, hope, and dreams. I remember what it felt like to carry you in my heart and body, and those moments will forever remain with me.
So, even though our paths have diverged and our stories were not meant to intertwine, I write this with tears of bittersweet gratitude. I will always remember you.
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In summary, while the journey may be filled with heartache and uncertainty, it’s also a path of gratitude for the moments we shared, however brief they may have been.