By: Mia Carter
There was a time when the concept of motherhood felt miles away from my reality. As the youngest in my family, the idea of raising children never really excited me. In my early twenties, I was in a long-term relationship, but all the talk about marriage and kids made me roll my eyes. “That’s just not who I am,” I would insist. And I truly believed it.
However, as I approached my late twenties, my life took an unexpected turn. After a whirlwind romance with someone special, I found myself pregnant. My initial reaction to the positive pregnancy test was overwhelming dread. As a staunch advocate for choice, I immediately considered ending the pregnancy. My partner, Jake, was supportive, expressing excitement about the idea of starting a family. A tiny part of me shared that excitement, so I chose to continue the pregnancy.
What followed was far from the blissful experience I’d envisioned. My first trimester was plagued by severe nausea and an unexpected, deep depression that I had never faced before. My mood fluctuated wildly; one moment I felt elated, and the next, I was consumed by dark thoughts. Jake noticed my struggles, but he couldn’t grasp the full extent of my turmoil. Unfortunately, my depression made it nearly impossible to bond with the growing life inside me.
When I experienced bleeding at work, a mix of fear and relief washed over me. Maybe this wasn’t meant to be. A trip to the hospital confirmed the fetus was fine, but I was left feeling even more disconnected. As Jake grew increasingly enamored with the idea of parenthood, I felt an emotional gap widening between us. I read stories of other women who had also struggled to connect with their pregnancies, finding solace in their eventual joy. Yet, my own dark thoughts persisted.
After experiencing another scare, I lost my job due to missed work, and the pressure mounted as Jake became our family’s primary provider. In an effort to create some positivity, we decided to get married, but my depression continued to linger. Although things improved slightly in my second trimester, the shadows of my mental health loomed large.
As I adjusted to life without work, I found myself consumed by daytime television and pregnancy literature, often wondering, “How did I end up here?” Our move to Central Florida was meant to be a fresh start, but instead, the isolation deepened. I spent long hours alone in our new apartment, feeling more disconnected from myself than ever.
Then came my birthday, bringing the thrilling news that I would have a daughter. The thought of sharing life’s joys with her felt exhilarating. For a moment, I began to embrace my pregnancy and called the fetus my baby. But that fleeting joy was short-lived.
A few weeks later, spotting sent me into a panic. Once again, I was in the hospital, where a nurse assured me everything looked fine. However, the spotting worsened, and a return trip to the emergency room revealed distressing news: my baby was trying to come early. The doctor explained that at just 22 weeks, her chances of survival were slim—between 0 and 10%. My heart shattered as we pleaded for everything possible to be done to save her.
In the early hours, I gave birth to my tiny daughter, whom we named Lily Grace. I never got to hold her; she was whisked away to try and save her life. The next day, we received the devastating news that she had passed. It took five long months for me to begin to love her, only to have that love snatched away. I’ve spent the years since cherishing her memory, and I realize now that much of my struggle stemmed from untreated depression.
Antenatal depression affects a significant number of pregnant individuals—between 14-23%—and can contribute to complications like preterm labor and loss. If I had sought help, perhaps I could have experienced more time with Lily while she was here. Pregnancy is a challenging journey, and no one should have to battle depression alone. There’s support available, and there’s no shame in reaching out. For those looking to start their family journey, consider checking out resources like American Pregnancy for guidance, or explore boosting fertility supplements to enhance your chances of conception.
In conclusion, while the path through pregnancy can be filled with joy, it can also be overshadowed by unseen struggles. It’s crucial to prioritize mental health and seek support when needed.