A friend of mine recently asked, “How do you maintain a strong marriage with kids?” She was newly married and childless, seeking advice. With a chuckle, I replied, “You start by keeping score, a lot.”
I could sense her surprise—this wasn’t the answer she anticipated. Yet it’s a truth seldom voiced. When discussing marriage and parenting, people often mention the challenges or the importance of spending quality time together. But few openly acknowledge the mental tally we all keep.
Let’s face it: we note who has had less sleep, who has sacrificed more, who does the bulk of the cooking, and who has taken the lead on household chores. You might track the countless hours spent at the pediatrician or the late-night grocery runs for milk and diapers. It could range from the overflow of dirty socks on the floor to the forgotten toilet paper rolls. Regardless of what’s being counted, these mental marks accumulate, often weighing down the relationship.
Most people shy away from admitting they keep score, yet it’s a reality many face, especially during tough times. When life changes dramatically—like a new baby or a job transition—it’s easy to fall into the trap of tallying who has it tougher.
If a couple claims they don’t keep score, they’re likely either being dishonest or have reached a level of understanding that seems almost unattainable. After all, when challenges arise—like sleepless nights or stressful workdays—it’s natural to assume you’re bearing the brunt of the struggles.
This is normal. Life is complex; marriage is demanding, and parenting can feel overwhelming. But it doesn’t mean that these experiences aren’t also filled with joy. Sometimes we forget that “hard” is subjective, and life unfolds in cycles. There are times when everything feels insurmountable and other moments when joy flourishes.
Eventually, the weight of those tally marks becomes exhausting. You grow tired, and slowly, you begin to remember what truly matters. You recall that life, marriage, and parenting are challenging for everyone. You realize you’re on the same team, and that you not only love each other but genuinely enjoy each other’s company.
“Do you think we still keep score?” I once asked my partner, Alex.
“Yep,” he replied quickly.
“Do you think it’s as much as before?” I probed further.
“Nope.”
“What changed?”
“Too many arguments,” he said, and we both laughed.
“Essentially, we got too worn out to keep score anymore, right?”
“Exactly.”
As our younger child strolled in and asked why we were smiling, Alex responded, “I just really enjoy being around your mom.”
So, when that young woman inquired about sustaining a marriage after kids, I felt no hesitation in admitting that we do keep score—and yes, it can be quite tough. However, as long as you remember that you’re partners in this journey, that the tough times will ease, and that you still genuinely like each other, everything will be okay. In fact, it could be even better than okay; it might just be wonderfully fulfilling.
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In summary, marriage and parenting are a balancing act of love and challenges, with a little bit of score-keeping thrown in. As long as you stay connected and remember your shared journey, your relationship can thrive.