Is it morning already? I hardly slept last night, and my body feels heavy. The alarm clock is about to ring, a reminder of the responsibilities waiting for me. The warmth of my bed is comforting; no one needs me just yet. Perhaps I could silence the alarm and steal a few more minutes? But my partner has to work and needs to take our eldest to school.
There’s really no need for a shower; it’s just school drop-off, after all. Why waste the energy? Mornings can be tough. They’re meant to signify fresh starts—a chance to begin anew. But I know today will mirror yesterday, filled with too many decisions and uncertainties.
Is it alright if my son buys lunch at school? We’re out of bread, and his yogurt is past its expiration date. I really should make a trip to the grocery store. And laundry? I haven’t touched it, and he’s down to one pair of ripped jeans and a shirt that barely fits. Why haven’t I bought him new clothes yet?
I should probably whip up a hot breakfast, but is microwave oatmeal good enough? I dread carpool; my car’s a mess. Can they tell I haven’t brushed my teeth or combed my hair in days? Do they know how I’m feeling? I haven’t volunteered for the PTA or helped out at school.
I wonder if my youngest will let me rest on the couch while he plays. Thank goodness he’s potty trained; I can avoid changing diapers for now. Oh no. I haven’t taken him to the park in weeks. He needs to socialize, but what if someone talks to me? The library is quieter. I should check for overdue fees, but I know I’ll end up cleaning up the mess he makes. How come I never taught him how to behave in a library? No toddler should be running around like that. Staying home sounds easier.
Maybe I’ll set up some paper and washable paint for him. That’ll keep him busy for a bit. When does he usually nap? I hope he actually does. I’m so tired. If he lies down with me while I rest and watches a movie, I won’t have to worry. He won’t wander off if I’m asleep, but if he does, I’ll hear him.
I should unload the dishwasher; the sink is overflowing. Has my house started to smell? Oh! A friend posted about a Mommy and Me cooking class. Should I sign up? No, I did that once, and we never went. The drive was too long. We’ll bake cookies tonight instead. Do I have all the ingredients? Is there even a clean cookie sheet? Ugh. Grocery store again.
Did I return the field trip form for my oldest? They know I’m a stay-at-home mom, and I didn’t sign up to chaperone. I regret saying I wanted to volunteer at the parent-teacher conference. What if it hurts his feelings? I’ll need to think of a good excuse.
He should start taking the bus home. Carpool will see me in my pajamas. Maybe he can stay home with me tomorrow. He can help watch his brother, and I can catch up on sleep. But that wouldn’t be fair to him; he needs school. No, I can’t let him stay home. He would tell his dad, and I don’t want to deal with that conversation.
I’m so worn out from helping my son with homework. Why does he need me there for his spelling words? I just want to collapse on the couch and finish my show.
Oh no, I forgot to buy cookie dough for tonight! I’ll let the kids have popcorn instead. Ah, popcorn and a movie sounds perfect. I can lie down while they entertain themselves.
Dinner? We’re having popcorn later, so I can’t serve something too heavy. Scrambled eggs could work; it’s healthy and only uses one pan. I’ll deal with the dishwasher tomorrow. We can use coffee mugs as bowls; the kids would find that funny! I haven’t cooked a proper meal in days. Perhaps he’ll decide to take over dinner. No, he worked hard today. I’ll just call him to grab something on his way home. I hope he doesn’t notice the laundry pile or the toys scattered everywhere. I’ll tell him I had a bad headache. He’ll understand.
It’s bath time now. How can I bathe my child when I can’t even take care of myself? It requires focus, and my arms ache. Of course, my kids resist showers. If only I could sit in the tub for half an hour without being interrupted. Why can’t they manage to do something independently?
I feel suffocated.
Bedtime has arrived. Please, go to bed on time. I’m so tired and just want to watch a movie with your dad. And for heaven’s sake, try to sleep in your own bed all night!
I’m exhausted from being touched. We haven’t been intimate in weeks. He’ll want to be close. Why doesn’t he notice I haven’t showered in days? I hope he falls asleep during the movie; then I won’t have to turn him down again. Maybe I can tell him I had a headache.
Someone needs to read the boys a bedtime story and tackle the laundry. Everyone is out of clean clothes. Can I convince him to do both? No, that’s unfair. I should have handled the laundry. I’ll just wash what we need for tomorrow.
My youngest is up again. He won’t go back to bed without me. Why do they always want me? I can’t do it all. I wasn’t prepared for bedtime yet. He’s crying, and I’m worried he’ll wake his brother. Netflix it is; that should lull him to sleep. Of course, he wants to watch the same show again. I never get to watch what I want. But it’s fine. I’ll just go to sleep.
As I drift off, the day’s failures and worries replay in my mind. Tomorrow feels cursed already. The weight of it all grows heavier, and the struggle intensifies. It feels impossible to be a decent parent while grappling with this darkness. My flaws are magnified, the light exposing everything I wish to hide. It’s exhausting, and I can’t do this alone anymore. I hope my partner won’t be ashamed. Will he encourage me to seek help? Perhaps my mom could assist if he’s busy.
I know I should go. But deep down, I’m hesitant. I need help. I need to say it out loud: I need help. Please don’t make me face this alone anymore.
I finally succumb to sleep, knowing my depression will still be there when morning comes.
For More Insights
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Summary
This piece captures the overwhelming thoughts of a mother dealing with depression, illustrating the daily challenges and emotional struggles she faces. From the heaviness of morning routines to the guilt of not being able to provide for her children, it highlights the need for support and understanding in the journey of motherhood.