- “I’m eating for two.” After nine months without soft cheese, cured meats, coffee, alcohol, or sushi, I’m diving into this Costco sheet cake for comfort. Mmm… it tastes like guilt and indulgence.
- “I have a birth plan.” My actual plan? Drugs. Seriously, can I get a prescription ready now because I’m totally freaked out! And no, Karen, I don’t want to hear about your 12-day labor saga involving 72 hours of pushing and 4th degree tearing. Time to grab another slice of shame cake to calm my nerves.
- “Ahem Ahem Ahem.” This is my way of faking a cough to cover up the embarrassing flatulence that’s currently wafting through the hall.
- “I’m having trouble sleeping.” I haven’t enjoyed two uninterrupted hours of sleep since week 30. While you’re snoozing comfortably, I’m scouring Amazon for home sterilization kits, contemplating a drastic decision to never go through this again. If my partner dares to complain about my restless tossing and turning, I might just let YouTube guide me through a DIY vasectomy with kitchen tools.
- “We’ve decided on a name.” Sure, you might have met a sociopathic stripper with my favorite name, but keep that to yourself! Even if I name my child “Adolf Crisco Beiber Belieber,” you better smile and pretend it’s great.
- “I can’t see my feet.” I can’t see past my belly! My personal grooming has turned into a jungle, reminiscent of Vietnam circa 1970, where chaos reigns and protests are commonplace.
- “Where’s your bathroom?” I’m peeing so often that I’ve debated adult diapers, but my unpredictable stomach is stuck between constipation and rapid-fire diarrhea. It’s like unwrapping a surprise toy, but with much less joy and more desperate toilet clinging.
- “Yep, I’m still pregnant.” Yes, I’m aware that spicy food, sex, pineapple, castor oil, and nipple stimulation are supposed to kickstart labor. Thanks for the unsolicited advice, random lady at the grocery store, but I’ll pass on your pantomime of areola tweaking. I may never want to have sex again. Ugh.
- “My dreams have been strange lately.” Last night, I dreamt I gave birth to a miniature hotdog baby with flippers, only to forget him in the fitting room at Macy’s. If this is any reflection of my parenting skills, Social Services might take my newborn away at the hospital.
- “The doctor says my bump is the right size.” No, it’s not twins! If you think pregnancy only means a round belly, you’re mistaken. My cankles are so swollen I could douse a California wildfire. And trust me, this spread doesn’t just vanish after childbirth, so don’t mention my postpartum belly a month from now, or you might just regret it.
For more insights on pregnancy, check out this excellent resource on Kindbody. And if you’re interested in fertility products, visit Make a Mom for more information. Lastly, if you’re curious about home insemination techniques, don’t miss out on our post about intracervical insemination.
In summary, pregnancy is filled with a whirlwind of emotions, cravings, and unexpected challenges. From the joys and fears of childbirth to the reality of bodily changes, every expectant mother has her own unique experience to share.