I have three children: two daughters and a son, each with distinct personalities that make our family life a vibrant tapestry. While my eldest daughter, Mia, is a lively force of nature—full of energy, loud laughter, and an undeniable flair for the dramatic—my middle child, Lila, is her antithesis. Mia often receives compliments about her “character,” a term I usually reserve for something with a bold and intriguing flavor, like a fine wine. People marvel at Mia’s vivacity, and her ability to command attention is both shocking and admirable.
In stark contrast, Lila is quieter and more reserved. Rarely do people describe her as having “character.” Instead, I often hear remarks such as, “she should express herself more,” or “she seems to just go along with the flow.” This sentiment was echoed by her daycare staff during her latest assessment. At her young age, there’s a strong emphasis on being outgoing, and she often appears to be overshadowed by her more boisterous siblings. The staff describes her as a follower, someone who complies rather than asserts her own preferences. “She’s not engaging with the other kids; she just sits there,” they expressed with a hint of concern.
I understand their perspective, but it’s important to recognize how societal expectations can influence our perceptions of children. For too long, we’ve encouraged our daughters to be more subdued than our sons, who are often given the freedom to speak out and act boldly. Now we’re navigating how to teach our girls to assert themselves confidently, without diminishing their unique personalities.
There’s an additional layer of complexity when we consider that quiet children, like Lila, often crave solitude or small group interactions to truly thrive. It can be challenging to determine when to gently encourage her to step out of her comfort zone and when to allow her the space to simply be herself. How can we truly understand her needs and desires if she’s drowned out by the more vocal kids around her? The push for constant expression doesn’t empower children like Lila; it can have the opposite effect, causing them to retreat further into their shells.
We often equate quietness with a lack of character or passion, mistakenly labeling introverted children as boring. However, I know that’s far from the truth. Lila possesses a wealth of thoughts and feelings, and she expresses them in her own unique way. When faced with something she dislikes, she calmly asserts her preferences with a firm “no.” Unlike her sister, who often has dramatic outbursts, Lila’s way of handling dissatisfaction is more like a gentle, persistent stand—think Gandhi’s style of nonviolent resistance. I can try all sorts of tactics to sway her, but her resolve remains unwavering.
Her calm demeanor and adaptability do not equate to a lack of character; in fact, when we describe a drink as having character, we’re referring to its depth and allure—qualities that Lila embodies beautifully. Just because her expression is different doesn’t mean it is any less valid. If we shifted our focus from labeling quietness as a deficit to listening to what these children have to say, we’d discover their richness and complexity.
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In summary, Lila’s reserved nature is not a flaw; it’s her own form of strength and character. By recognizing and embracing her unique perspective, we can foster an environment that celebrates all types of personalities, ensuring that our quieter children are heard and valued just as much as their more extroverted peers.