There was a moment when I found myself advising my child to take a stand against another kid—intentionally.
You might expect me to preface this with a disclaimer, something like, “I didn’t handle it the best way.” But looking back, perhaps it was one of my better parenting moments. Let me explain.
When my daughter began pre-K, I fancied myself as one of those progressive parents. I was diligent about using phrases like “express your feelings,” “communicate,” and “violence is unacceptable.”
She was a bright and kind-hearted child, often described by her teachers as a little philosopher, full of empathy. I felt a swell of pride—proof that my parenting approach was working.
As the years rolled on and she transitioned to a new school, I noticed shifts. By the end of first grade, the dirt on her clothes was a clear indication of trouble. Her shirts were stretched, and her pants were stained in ways that didn’t align with innocent play.
When I inquired, she mentioned a friend who was roughhousing with her. For a week, I was reassured, believing everything was fine. Then came the day she returned home withdrawn, and I noticed a bruise on her cheek.
“What happened?!” I gasped, puzzled about how an accident went unnoticed by the school.
Her “friend” had been shoving her around, hitting her, and even taunting her with snacks she was allergic to. My status as a “good parent” crumbled. Why hadn’t she told me sooner? Where were those lessons about using words and seeking help?
Despite my calls to the school, no action was taken against the boy. I was promised increased supervision, but it didn’t stop the behavior; it only taught him to be more covert.
That’s when I recognized my error. Not everyone will adhere to our principles. Not everyone would step in to support. My daughter had learned to stay silent, thinking she had no power to change her situation.
In this age of protective parenting, we’re often led to believe we can shield our kids from harsh realities. Just like we would encourage a girl to defend herself against inappropriate behavior, the same applies to boys. My well-meaning words had inadvertently tied my daughter’s hands, preventing her from standing up against mistreatment.
That night, we had a heartfelt discussion. While hitting is wrong, there are times when self-defense is necessary. I reassured her that if she needed to fight back, I would support her. I shared a quote from Theodore Roosevelt: “Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far.”
The next day, when the boy attempted to pick her up again, she pushed him away. Shocked by her response, he finally understood her message: “No, I don’t want this.”
Miraculously, they became friends again, thanks to his newfound empathy. He learned firsthand that causing hurt can lead to understanding the pain of others.
Some may argue that children can’t discern when to assert themselves appropriately. That’s where we, as parents, come in. Mistakes will happen, and that’s part of growing up. Life is complex, often unfair, and moral dilemmas can be murky.
While using words should always be our first choice, it’s wise to carry a metaphorical stick, just in case.
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Summary
This reflection on parenting discusses the balance between teaching children to communicate feelings and the necessity of standing up for themselves. By sharing a personal story, the author highlights the importance of allowing kids to defend themselves when no one else will, emphasizing the complexity of childhood interactions.