Updated: August 8, 2016
Originally Published: May 30, 2016
I will always remember the last time I woke up with a hangover. It was a Sunday in April. As I opened my blurry eyes, I tried to piece together how I ended up back in my own bed. I recalled putting on a movie, but the rest was a blur. Somewhere along the line, I had polished off a bottle of wine and crawled into bed, but specifics eluded me. My mouth felt parched, my throat was raw, my heart raced, and a throbbing pain enveloped my head. “No more!” I promised myself for what felt like the millionth time. I vowed to never drink again.
That Sunday passed, and I managed to keep my promise. The intense discomfort made it easy to stay true to my word. All I craved was water and rest, but life has a way of moving on. My daughter and I had tickets to a play, and her eager little face pleaded with me not to let her down. So, I reluctantly emerged from the house and into the glaring sunlight.
Oh, the sunlight. It’s the nemesis of anyone struggling with addiction. In the dark, one can find solace and hide their flaws and mistakes, but the brightness of the sun reveals everything. It’s as if the universe is mocking us with its beauty, reminding us that we don’t belong. The sunshine was my weakness.
I avoided alcohol that day, but the following day, the memories of my uncle’s funeral began to fade, and I found myself reaching for another bottle of wine. I thought I deserved it. After all, I was grieving, and I had just witnessed the shocking news of a bombing at the Boston Marathon. The images were brutal and heart-wrenching. Feeling sad and desperate to numb my feelings, I poured myself a second glass when I heard a voice. Was it God? My conscience? Perhaps I was losing my mind? Regardless of its origin, the message was clear.
“This isn’t helping. This won’t bring your uncle back. It won’t ease the pain in Boston. It won’t solve anything, but it is making you fade away. Come back.”
For a fleeting moment, clarity washed over me, and I recognized who I was becoming. I was a successful professional, a mother to two wonderful children, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend. But all of that was slipping away. I had started drinking to unwind or celebrate, but eventually, I found myself drinking without reason. I just wanted to escape. During the day, I managed to hold it together, but as night fell, I struggled to find a way to silence my overactive mind. Alcohol became my escape.
However, the issue with turning off your feelings is that you miss out on life. By not allowing myself to feel joy or pain, I was losing the ability to truly live. I felt perpetually lost, even when surrounded by loved ones. It felt as if I was running in circles, with no finish line in sight; despite my efforts, I could never catch my breath. I was drowning.
The weight of my struggles felt overwhelming, and I felt isolated in my shame and fear. How did it get to this point? What if others discovered my secret? What would my friends, family, or coworkers think? I knew I needed to change, but I was at a loss for how to proceed. I had no coping mechanisms that didn’t involve wine. Wine was my source of celebration, comfort, and relaxation. But I understood that if I didn’t stop, things would only worsen. For me, there was no path to recovery as long as I continued to drink.
On the day I decided to quit, I felt utterly alone. I believed I was the only woman struggling with life’s challenges. What I didn’t know then, but understand now, is that the antidote to addiction is connection. I found the strength to seek help because I listened to the stories of other women who had faced similar battles. There’s immense power in sharing our struggles; addiction can affect anyone, regardless of age, gender, or background. But recovery is achievable, and it’s a beautiful way to live.
In the years that followed, my life transformed in countless ways. Rewiring my brain and learning new coping strategies was not easy; it was the toughest journey I’ve ever undertaken. However, the more I persevered, the more fulfilling my life became. Today, I am thriving. My depression has lifted, I’ve shed 30 pounds, and I started my own business that aligns with my passions. My health is better than ever, and I’m a happier mother, wife, and friend.
On my worst days in recovery, I still feel a hundred times better than I ever did while drinking. I once feared that giving up wine would lead to boredom and judgment, but in reality, that was the moment my true life began. Now, I can be the mother and woman I’ve always aspired to be. I may not be perfect, but I strive to do my best. Some days are challenging, but I know that every time I confront life instead of numbing it with a bottle, the journey becomes more rewarding. It may not be easy, but it’s always worth it.
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Summary:
This article chronicles a personal journey through addiction, highlighting the struggle with alcohol and the road to recovery. The author shares their experiences of isolation, the realization of one’s own strength, and the transformative power of connection. The narrative emphasizes that while recovery is challenging, it leads to a more fulfilling and vibrant life.