Hey there! As I approach my milestone of ten years battling mental health issues, I can’t help but reflect on the quirky contradictions that come with it. Is there a term for “insaniversary”? It seems to be trending on Twitter, albeit linked to some gym in the Bronx, but I’m not letting that get me down! Feel free to share your experiences with me—#insaniversary.
Having navigated my first depressive episode related to bipolar disorder a decade ago, I’ve realized that living with mental illness can feel like a whirlwind of conflicting emotions and desires. It often leads us to want one thing while acting in a completely different way. Here are five examples of the puzzling nature of mental health struggles:
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Boredom vs. Energy
I often find myself feeling achingly bored, craving excitement and stimulation. It’s as if every part of me longs for something engaging. Yet, when it comes down to it, getting out of bed feels like an insurmountable task. So, I end up taking yet another nap instead of seeking out the adventure my mind desperately craves. -
Anxiety from Clutter vs. Cleaning Paralysis
My surroundings can be a source of anxiety. Piles of laundry, a chaotic kitchen, and unopened mail can elevate my stress levels. I know I should tackle the mess, but when anxiety kicks in, I find myself immobilized, often opting to curl up in a blanket instead of taking action. -
Desire for Connection vs. Fear of Intimacy
Many people with borderline personality traits can relate to this one. I yearn for deep, meaningful relationships and crave the connection that comes with sharing my innermost thoughts. Yet, just as I feel myself getting close to someone, a panic-inducing impulse tells me to retreat and isolate. This push-pull dynamic can be exhausting for both me and my loved ones. -
Work Obligations vs. Bedtime
Each morning, a little voice reminds me of my responsibilities waiting for me. But then, depression swoops in and says, “Why bother?” I find myself buried under the covers, overwhelmed by my inability to meet even the simplest tasks like showering or getting out of bed. I long to be productive, yet my condition often has other plans. -
Seeking Relief vs. Self-Sabotage
When I’m feeling down, I know that engaging with friends or even taking a walk would elevate my mood. However, the urge to retreat and isolate can be overwhelming. I might choose to listen to sad music or binge-watch shows that only deepen my feelings of despair. I’m aware that I could indulge in activities that foster well-being, but the effort seems too daunting, leading me to make choices that exacerbate my situation.
Living with mental illness can often lead to behavior that appears contradictory to outsiders. Yet, to me, it makes sense. We are fighting against forces that drain our energy, motivation, and willpower. If today’s victory was simply getting out of bed, then that’s worth celebrating. If you’re navigating similar challenges, remember that you’re not alone. There’s strength in your persistence, and I’m proud of you for still being here.
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Summary
Living with mental health challenges can often feel like navigating a series of paradoxes. From feeling bored yet lacking the energy to engage, to craving connection while simultaneously pushing people away, these contradictions can be perplexing. Understanding them is essential for both those who experience mental illness and those who support them. Remember, every small step taken is a triumph in itself.