If You’re a Mom of Young Kids Who Isn’t Interested in Sex, You’re Not Alone

self insemination kit

Dear Exhausted Mama,

I totally get it, friend. You’re juggling a baby who needs to be breastfed or toddlers who just can’t resist climbing all over you. Your preschooler has decided that being attached to you is the only way to survive this whirlwind of parenting. And let’s not even talk about those sleepless nights filled with feedings, bad dreams, or the various challenges that come with nighttime parenting.

You’ve been hugged, kissed, snuggled, and otherwise physically overwhelmed. By the end of the day, the last thing on your mind is intimacy. Trust me, I’ve been there. After the arrival of my first child, my desire for sex took a significant dip. Even though we ended up having two more kids without planning for it, during those early years, my interest in physical intimacy was often limited to what I’d call “pity sex.” Truthfully, I had zero desire for it about 97% of the time.

It wasn’t just tough for me; it was hard for my partner, Jake, too. He was understanding, but the depth of my disinterest in sex was something he struggled to comprehend. It wasn’t merely a fleeting lack of interest; I actively dreaded the thought of intimacy. For some, physical touch is a love language, but I found my limits quickly. With three kids, especially the little ones who loved to snuggle, I reached my breaking point around 5:00 p.m. every day.

Jake and I had a solid emotional connection, but reconciling my lack of physical desire with the love I felt was challenging. I was completely touched out and physically spent. By the time the kids were asleep, I longed for some downtime, while sex felt like a chore. For Jake, it was a way to unwind, but for me, it required energy that I simply didn’t have. I’d much rather drift off to sleep.

However, I’m here to share some good news—it does get better! My youngest is now 6, and I’m thrilled to say that my desire has returned. For a few years, I was uncertain if I’d ever feel that spark again. My doctor reassured me it was a normal phase—hormones, sleep deprivation, all of it—but I often wondered if something was wrong with me. It turns out, I was just going through a typical phase of motherhood!

Here are a few strategies that helped me navigate those challenging years, and they just might help you balance your needs with Jake’s:

1. Plan Ahead: As unromantic as it sounds, scheduling intimate moments helped me mentally prepare. It kept me from forgetting altogether, as sometimes the thought of sex wouldn’t even cross my mind. I learned that setting a routine or aiming for a certain number of days each week helped keep our connection alive.
2. Talk Openly: Jake and I communicated often about our needs. We discussed how often felt good for him and what felt overwhelming for me. While we didn’t always find a perfect balance, we knew we had to compromise during this stage of life.
3. Show Affection in Other Ways: I emphasized to Jake that my lack of desire wasn’t about him. I made an effort to express my love through words, small gestures, and as much non-sexual affection as I could manage.
4. Just Go for It: There were times I’d engage in intimacy even when I wasn’t in the mood. Sometimes this led to rekindling my desire, while other times it didn’t. I tried to reserve outright refusals for when the thought of it genuinely repulsed me; if I felt indifferent but not disgusted, I’d give it a shot for Jake’s sake.
5. Remember, This Is Temporary: While I can’t promise you’ll be back to a regular intimate life soon, I can assure you that low libido is often just a phase. It’s common among many moms, and it does improve over time. Believe it or not, you may find yourself initiating intimacy again someday!

You’re not alone in this—many women experience low or no sex drive after having kids. Be kind to yourself during this time; your desire will return when the moment is right, and it’ll be wonderful.

Warmly,
A Mom Who Rediscovered Her Spark

If you’re interested in more insights about home insemination, check out this helpful post on intracervical insemination. For authoritative resources, visit Make a Mom. And for pregnancy tips, March of Dimes provides excellent information.

In summary, it’s completely normal for new moms to experience a dip in sexual desire. By communicating with your partner, planning ahead, and being patient with yourself, you can navigate this phase and find your way back to intimacy when the time feels right.