Parenting
June 17, 2023
Not long ago, I received a text from my then 11-year-old son, Ethan. He wrote, “Hey Mom, I’ve been keeping something from you for a long time, but I think it’s time you know: I’m gay. I didn’t have the courage to tell you face-to-face, but we can talk about it later.” I was driving at the time, so I didn’t respond immediately. A few moments later, Ethan called, and I answered hands-free. He asked if I had seen his message. I told him I would check it soon. Just moments before picking him and his sister up for dinner, I pulled over to read his text. Panic washed over me as I realized the significance of his words.
I called my husband, Jack, and together we shared a moment of fear—not from hatred, but from concern about what this revelation might mean for Ethan’s future and safety. After speaking with Jack, I picked up the kids, and when Ethan got in the car, I simply said, “I love you, and that will never change.” It felt sufficient for the moment, and we didn’t delve into it further that night.
In the days that followed, we began to talk more. We learned that Ethan had already come out to most of his friends at school, who had been supportive. He had even confided in his younger sister, Mia, about six months prior. Jack and I processed the news at different paces, each grappling with our own worries about Ethan’s well-being and the unknowns of his journey ahead. To cope, we communicated openly and decided to join PFLAG, where we found community and support from others who understood our situation.
Now, eighteen months later, we realize that while some things have changed, many remain the same. We still worry about the day Ethan might face real hate, discrimination, or bigotry. However, we’ve agreed that he can handle some of the unpleasant comments at school as long as he feels equipped to do so. If there’s ever a threat of violence, he knows he must tell us immediately.
Our concerns about his safety have gradually eased. The world is not perfect, but it has become more accepting than it was when we were younger. As Ethan approaches his teenage years, new challenges arise, particularly regarding dating in the LGBTQ community. He has developed a crush on a male friend, and I find myself unsure of how to advise him. Can he simply ask if his friend is gay? This is territory I never expected to navigate.
We’ve begun exploring the dynamics of young romance together. When a bisexual friend of Ethan’s inquired about them potentially being a couple, I helped him address it. It turns out, the conversation is quite similar to what it would be for a straight kid. You express your appreciation for the friendship while clarifying your feelings.
So, where are we now, a year and a half later? We’re still having the same discussions we would have had regardless of his sexuality: we chat about dating rules, how to be a good partner, and the importance of respect for oneself and others. We dream about Ethan’s future and share lighthearted banter about who he finds attractive. Instead of Jack and Ethan bonding over actresses, I now join those conversations. We celebrate the reality that he will be able to legally marry his future husband and explore the ways he might choose to start a family someday. We can even joke about stereotypes in a lighthearted way.
However, not everything is straightforward. Most of our extended family is unaware of Ethan’s sexuality. While I believe many would ultimately be supportive, there are some conservative family members who might not be. Deciding when and how to come out to them is a choice only Ethan can make. We ensure he knows we support him, no matter his decision. In the meantime, we try to maintain a neutral stance when family members inquire about girlfriends and use gender-neutral terms for his future partners.
In essence, while some changes have occurred, the core of our love for Ethan remains unchanged, and perhaps that is the most significant lesson I’ve learned. I love him unconditionally, and that will always be true.
Postscript
This piece was written shortly before the tragic events in Orlando on June 12, 2016. In light of that horrific incident, my optimism has been challenged. Just a week prior, I had come to a place where I felt that society had made strides towards acceptance, and I didn’t worry for Ethan’s safety more than I did for our daughters. The shooting disrupted that sense of security. Now, I see Ethan in places that, in the future, he might visit, realizing he could be at risk simply for who he loves. This awareness of hate and intolerance is now a part of our reality. Despite the heaviness in my heart, I will continue to show Ethan the calm and peace he deserves as he navigates his journey. Perhaps, in time, that peace will return.
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In summary, the journey of understanding and supporting my son through his coming out has taught me that love is constant, and navigating the challenges of acceptance is an ongoing process.