After five years post-divorce, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I can’t change my ex. He operates on his own terms, disregarding my concerns and opinions. The dynamics that failed in our marriage certainly don’t magically improve in our co-parenting journey.
Like many separated couples, we find ourselves entangled in the same arguments repeatedly. One recurring theme that sparks countless emails and messages is the concept of co-parenting. My ex insists that I should only parent during “my time,” proposing that it would benefit us both to avoid questioning each other’s home environments. Consequently, our co-parenting interactions are limited to basic logistics communicated through emails and shared calendars. We barely scratch the surface when it comes to decisions about our son’s orthodontic appointments or birthday party RSVPs. This results in each of us parenting in isolation, doing what we please on our respective days, with minimal communication and reduced stress.
Sounds easy, right?
Not for me. I wish I could embrace the simplicity of it all, but that’s just not in my nature. I’m someone who invests wholeheartedly into everything I undertake. My children deserve no less than the full effort I dedicate to all my pursuits. I can’t view them as mere entries on a calendar or as plants needing occasional care. They are vibrant, evolving individuals filled with thoughts, emotions, insecurities, dreams, and all the complexities that come with growing up.
In my ideal world, we would have regular meetings to discuss our children, where we could collaboratively address significant issues regarding their safety, technology use, and behavior. Together, we would establish rules and boundaries that apply across both our homes, regardless of which parent they are with. Yes, this would require effort and commitment from both of us, and yes, it would inevitably introduce some stress into our lives.
Parenting is inherently messy, challenging, exhausting, and rewarding. The thought of engaging in discussions and negotiations with my ex amidst that chaos makes complete sense as to why he would prefer to avoid it altogether. He is right; if I limited my parenting to “my time,” it might ease our relationship. I’ve seen blended families that manage to vacation together, but I’ve accepted that my family doesn’t fit that mold. After all, I carried each of my children for 38 weeks and 3 days, and I’ve been their mother every single moment since. It’s not simple to switch off my parenting instincts for an entire weekend.
Every few days, I watch my children go to their father, and though it tugs at my heart, I find comfort knowing they have a dad who loves them just as fiercely as they love him. I dream of being able to let go of my parenting responsibilities, to enjoy a peaceful kid-free Sunday without constant texts and emails. However, my maternal instincts are relentless, and my commitment to my children remains unwavering. That switch was flipped 13 years ago, and it’s permanently on for me.
So here we are, two co-parents with divergent views on what co-parenting means. He does what he chooses, and I do what I feel is best for my kids. I will always advocate for them, no matter the time of day. I’ll send messages when I feel it’s necessary, hoping for a response, and he can choose to engage or remain distant during his time. I’ll continue to operate in my way, while he insists I back off, and we’ll keep at it, each in our own fashion. If repeating the same patterns expecting different outcomes is a sign of insanity, then we both fit the bill.
But honestly? A little bit of chaos is found in even the healthiest families. We will navigate through this just fine.
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Summary:
Navigating co-parenting post-divorce can be challenging with differing philosophies on parenting. While one parent may prefer a hands-off approach, the other may feel compelled to remain actively involved in their children’s lives. Finding a balance can be difficult, but understanding each other’s perspectives is key. Despite the complexities, both parents can still work towards the best interests of their children.