Research indicates that comforting a distressed child is more beneficial for their long-term emotional development than adopting a “suck it up” mentality.
As parents, one of the most challenging aspects is grappling with whether our parenting methods will cultivate a happy, well-adjusted adult or inadvertently set our child up for future therapy sessions. This self-doubt intensifies during moments when our little ones are crying over what we perceive to be trivial matters.
When a child views a scraped knee as catastrophic or sobs uncontrollably because they can’t locate their beloved toy (which is always under the couch!), it’s easy to dismiss their feelings and suggest they toughen up. However, research indicates that this “suck it up” approach could create emotional difficulties for children as they grow up.
In her exploration of parenting styles, writer Lisa Hartman sought insight from child psychologists regarding the impact of tough love. The findings were surprising: when parents responded negatively to their child’s emotional expressions, those kids were prone to more frequent meltdowns and heightened emotional responses. The study highlighted that children who didn’t receive comfort during distress struggled to engage socially in a competent manner.
Moreover, the stereotype that boys should suppress their emotions is profoundly misguided. A 2015 study revealed that male college students who faced punishment for expressing distress as children exhibited greater anger management problems compared to those whose mothers provided support during tough moments. Interestingly, this trend was not observed in college females unless their relationship with their mothers was strained in adulthood.
Putting aside the academic research, it seems logical to comfort your child. Sure, it can be frustrating to console a child who is still upset over spilled milk five minutes later, especially when there are chores to tackle. Yet, as adults, we all seek and provide emotional support, regardless of how trivial the issue might seem. Think about the times you’ve dissected a minor disagreement with a coworker with your partner, or passionately debated the latest episode of your favorite show with a friend. Ultimately, we all desire validation for our feelings and opinions, whether we’re three or thirty-three.
Developmental psychologist Mia Thompson offers a silver lining for parents navigating emotional outbursts in public places like Target. “Children need the opportunity to express their emotions and learn how to manage them, which fosters resilience,” she stated. “The key takeaway is that emotions should never be seen as adversaries, even when they appear exaggerated.”
This article was originally published on June 27, 2016.
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In conclusion, while it can be tempting to encourage children to “suck it up,” research supports the notion that nurturing their emotional expressions is vital for healthy development.