My partner and I are raising wonderful kids. I’m confident in that. We’ve instilled values of kindness, hard work, and a desire to help others. It’s a continuous journey, but so far, we’re on the right track. Our children, aged 15, 11, and 7, have stayed out of serious trouble, show respect, and are generally delightful to be around.
Honestly, I’m a bit puzzled about how we’ve achieved this success, especially considering that I often struggle with the discipline aspect of parenting.
On one hand, I excel at teaching. We’ve guided our kids in adopting virtues since they were toddlers, and we regularly discuss their behavioral challenges using this framework. I explain what’s polite or appropriate in various contexts, and we even act out scenarios that might be tricky for them. My communication with them is open and loving, which allows them to trust me with their concerns. I feel solid in this proactive side of discipline.
However, when it comes to enforcing consequences for misbehavior—ugh! That’s where I falter. I find myself being inconsistent, often forgetting to follow through with the consequences I’ve set. I create systems for chores and rewards, but they usually fizzle out after a couple of days because I find them too tedious. I tell my kids that I won’t repeat myself, only to end up saying things multiple times before getting frustrated. I also struggle to set a good example; while I expect them to keep their rooms tidy, my own space is a chaotic mess of books and clothes. I set screen time limits that I often forget about, and even allow them to negotiate snacks at bedtime (even if it’s just healthy stuff like bananas and peanut butter). I don’t let them run wild, but sometimes I wonder if I’m too lenient.
I admire my friend, Lisa, who takes a tough-love approach with her kids. She recently cleared out her son’s room and made him earn everything back through good behavior. While I respect her resolve, I can’t see myself doing something so drastic. It’s just not who I am. I’m more of a laid-back, Type B parent, and I think a severe approach would likely frighten my kids rather than teach them a lesson.
So far, despite my relaxed approach to consequences, our kids haven’t shown any major behavioral problems. Sure, they’ve gone through challenging phases, but those are typically just normal developmental hurdles. Most of our challenges revolve around issues like anxiety or irritability, which wouldn’t be fair to punish them for.
Still, my inconsistency bothers me. I’m not concerned that it will turn them into misbehaved children; I believe we’ve shown that’s unlikely. What worries me is that they might inherit my struggles with consistency and discipline. Someday, when they have kids of their own, they might face difficulties if they don’t learn how to enforce rules. I also worry about how this might affect other parts of their lives. Just because my approach has worked for us doesn’t guarantee it will for them.
At the end of the day, we all navigate parenting as we go along. Maybe one day, one of our kids will challenge me in a way that necessitates a firmer approach. Or perhaps they’ll be like me and not have that inclination.
I hope that my strengths in proactive discipline can balance out my weaknesses in the reactive side. Like our kids, I’m a work in progress too. Fingers crossed they see my efforts and understand that being human means there are countless ways to raise good kids—even if discipline isn’t my strong suit.
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In summary, while I grapple with the challenges of disciplining my kids consistently, I believe that my proactive approach to teaching them valuable life skills will ultimately benefit them. Parenting is a journey, and we’re all learning together.