What Happens Every Time I Try to Diet

self insemination kit

Updated: Aug. 3, 2016

Originally Published: July 10, 2016

As a mother to a nearly 5-year-old, I’ve yet to shed the baby weight. Some days, I embrace my curves and feel at home in my 40-year-old body, complete with its pooches and cellulite. But there are moments—like when I’m bathing suit shopping—when I can’t help but lament the skinny 16-year-old version of myself, who indulged in nachos and Slurpees without a second thought. Those carefree days are behind me, and I’ve come to terms with the fact that I can’t just munch mindlessly on snacks in front of the TV without facing serious health repercussions. Approximately once a month, I convince myself that this time will be different. This time, I will finally lose the weight. And so, I wait until Monday rolls around and embark on yet another diet. After repeating this cycle so often, I’ve come to recognize a familiar pattern in my dieting endeavors.

Here’s what typically unfolds when I attempt to diet:

1. I announce to everyone that I’m not really dieting; I’m implementing a “lifestyle change.” Because, let’s be honest, diets never work, right? Yet, everyone knows that I’m still dieting. It’s just that I’m in denial about it.
2. After my first meal on this new “lifestyle change,” I immediately hop on the scale—naked, post-pee, and with dry hair. And just to be safe, I subtract a pound in case I need to go again. If I managed to choke down an egg white for breakfast, I’m practically entitled to a five-pound loss already.
3. Just two healthy meals in, and I can’t help but preach about my new diet to anyone who will lend an ear. I become the poster child of this plan, creating Pinterest boards and posting about it on social media. In short, I become quite the nuisance.
4. I raid my pantry and toss out all the white sugar, processed foods, gluten, and anything that doesn’t align with the latest food trend I’ve adopted. I declare these items “POISONS!” and “TOXINS!” and genuinely believe it.
5. When I receive an invitation to a dinner party, I’m that person who shows up with my own food in little glass containers, claiming I have “special dietary needs.”
6. After a few days without noticeable weight loss, I resort to some kind of herbal cleanse, a juice fast, or even coffee with butter. What madness! Yet, a couple of hours in, I’m left with a stomachache and lightheadedness, quickly reverting back to my old eating habits.
7. I start taking walks and, post-walk, step on the scale again—only to feel frustrated when I discover that a mile-long walk burns a measly 40 calories. I calculate that to enjoy the food I love and lose weight, I’d need to walk to Key West and back every day.
8. Suddenly, alternative weight loss treatments seem very appealing. I make appointments with holistic doctors and acupuncturists, who assure me of miraculous results after discussing, you guessed it, my bowel habits. They often suggest more leafy greens, and I leave their offices $100 lighter, clutching a Ziploc bag of powdered grasshopper shells.
9. I decide to try that new supplement recommended by a server at a local pizza joint who saw it on a talk show. It costs $29 for 14 tablets, but if it works, it’ll be worth it, right?
10. When someone tells me that I’m not losing weight because I’m gaining muscle, I feel like throwing them down an elevator shaft—thanks to my supposed new strength.
11. By day three of my “lifestyle change,” I find myself trying on those size 2, high-waisted acid-washed jeans I saved from my ninth-grade days when I weighed 110 pounds. I can barely get them past my knees.
12. By day five, I convince myself that I’ve been magically cured of every ailment, all thanks to this diet! No cravings whatsoever.
13. Lesson learned—don’t try those weight loss solutions you see on TV. Mixing chia seeds with water to create a concoction that can only be described as “snotty with crunchy bits” is definitely an appetite suppressant. You’ll feel so nauseated that the mere thought of food will make you gag.
14. A week goes by, and I start to wonder if chocolate chips really count. I mean, they’re so small! Surely, I can eat several handfuls without any guilt. Problem solved!
15. I begin to question, when is cheat day? Wait, there’s no cheat day on this diet? This is ridiculous. Everyone deserves a cheat day! It’s supposed to be good for your metabolism. That’s why I’m about to indulge in macaroni and cheese followed by apple pie and ice cream. I’m taking those grasshopper shells and the mystery supplement; I can eat whatever I want!
16. At the next dinner party, I devour everything except the bread. Skipping the bread makes me feel virtuous as I’m on a “lifestyle change.” I can just take another walk to burn off 1 percent of the calories I just consumed at the dessert station.
17. I realize that the only successful diet I’ve ever been on is the Low Crab Diet. Shellfish isn’t my favorite, so I generally skip crabs—but I wouldn’t turn down a crab cake if someone offered.
18. Okay, I fell off the wagon. Next Monday, I’m going paleo vegan. Oh wait, I’ll be PMSing that week, so it doesn’t count. I’ll start fresh the following week.

Unfortunately, the only realistic ways to lose weight involve exercise, a balanced diet, getting stranded on a deserted island, or catching a dangerous intestinal parasite. Since none of those options sound viable, I’ll stick to enjoying bowls of creamy pasta in moderation while learning to accept myself as I am—for now, at least until I need a new swimsuit or hear about the latest grass clippings and holistic locusts secret to flat abs.

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Summary:

In this humorous reflection on dieting, Emily Thompson shares her ups and downs as she navigates the often frustrating world of weight loss. From declaring lifestyle changes to peculiar food experiments, she highlights the inherent challenges of trying to lose weight while also embracing body positivity. Ultimately, she finds herself returning to the idea of moderation and acceptance instead of extreme dieting.