Three years ago, my partner Sarah and I achieved a significant milestone by purchasing our first home. While we were both thrilled about becoming homeowners, the experience unexpectedly challenged our relationship in ways we hadn’t anticipated.
Just two months after moving in, during an unusual snowstorm for our area in Oregon, our furnace broke down. At the time, Sarah was seven months pregnant. After nearly a decade of renting, we were used to the simplicity of calling a landlord when something went awry. Now, however, I was the landlord—the sole person responsible for fixing things.
When Sarah called me at work to share the grim news, “It’s just blowing cool air,” she said, “It’s only 50 degrees in here. You need to do something.” In previous situations, I could easily spring into action, but this time I felt paralyzed. We had invested all our savings into the down payment and had cut back on credit card use to stay within budget. The thought of not being able to afford a repairman was terrifying, and as the man of the house, I felt an overwhelming pressure to resolve the issue.
Unfortunately, I was not particularly handy. I struggled with assembling Ikea furniture, let alone fixing something complex like a furnace. I grew up without a father figure to teach me the ins and outs of home repairs, and I always assumed that men were naturally equipped to tackle such tasks.
Once we became homeowners, traditional gender roles seemed to creep into our expectations. We both made assumptions about our responsibilities based on outdated ideas about what men and women should handle. If something broke, I was expected to fix it, while Sarah was supposed to manage décor and cleaning. The irony was that neither of us excelled at these tasks.
Our son once stained the carpet with a red popsicle, and I came home to find Sarah on the floor, scrubbing furiously with one hand and holding the phone with the other, likely asking her mom for advice. The stakes felt higher now that we owned the carpet, and I could see her frustration.
Eventually, I found a helpful YouTube video showing how to use steam to remove the stain. While the problem was solved, I could sense Sarah’s feelings of inadequacy for not being able to tackle it herself. In a similar vein, I found myself crouched beside our broken furnace, frustrated and feeling like a failure for not being able to fix it. The mess of wires and pipes looked daunting, and I was terrified of causing more problems. Yet, deep down, I felt obligated to figure it out as “the man.”
In the end, it was Sarah who dug into our housing documents and discovered that our home warranty covered the furnace repair. This experience, among others, taught us that sometimes the person who solves a problem isn’t determined by gender but by skill set. We’ve learned to communicate and work together, focusing on our strengths rather than falling into traditional roles.
Looking back, it’s clear that buying a home could have strained our relationship, but instead, it has brought us closer as we navigate challenges together.
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Summary
Buying our first home was an exciting milestone for my partner Sarah and me, but it also tested our relationship in unexpected ways. Dealing with home repairs highlighted the pitfalls of traditional gender roles, leading to misunderstandings about responsibilities. However, we learned to communicate better, leveraging our strengths as a team instead of relying on outdated expectations. This journey ultimately strengthened our bond.