I believe that every child comes into the world with their own unique temperament. From the moment my first daughter, Maya, entered the world, her spirited personality was clear. She was an energetic, determined baby, and she still embodies those qualities today—brilliant yet occasionally exasperating. In contrast, my younger son, Leo, arrived with a cheerful disposition, practically smiling from day one, and he remains a creative, empathetic, and slightly mischievous little guy.
Beyond their personalities, I think babies also possess distinct “sleep temperaments.” While factors like feeding methods (for instance, breastfed babies often wake more frequently since breast milk is digested faster than formula) and sleep associations play a role, some babies just seem to have an easier time learning to soothe themselves to sleep.
Recently, I was at a gathering with some adorable newborns (I had to resist the urge to snuggle them all). One baby was nestled beside her mother, having just finished nursing and looking a bit drowsy. As I watched, she seemed to be in a peaceful state, occasionally making soft noises. Then, while smiling at me, her eyes started to droop, and she effortlessly drifted off to sleep. I was in awe—I had never seen anything quite like it!
I’d often heard the advice to “put your baby down drowsy but awake,” but that never worked for Maya or Leo. I tried every technique—nursing them until they were nearly asleep, gently laying them down while rubbing their backs, only to have them snap awake as if I’d enchanted them.
Curious, I asked the mother of the calm baby what her secret was. “Oh, she’s always been this way,” she replied. When I inquired about sleep training, she simply said, “Nope.” This baby didn’t have a pacifier or even a thumb to suck on, and she wasn’t bothered by the bustling room around her. It was truly remarkable.
On the other hand, it took me until Leo was around 9 to finally tuck him in and leave the room without a fuss. While I know many parents embrace sleep training, it was never a path we chose. Letting a baby cry isn’t something I could handle, and honestly, I doubted it would have worked for either of my kids given their unique sleep habits.
I’ve encountered many parents facing challenges with sleep training, where it seemed effective for a time but fell apart due to illness or other disruptions. If you find yourself in a similar situation, whether your child has never learned to self-soothe or your attempts to teach them have failed, know that you are not alone. It can be incredibly tough to manage a child who struggles to sleep, but it doesn’t reflect on your capabilities as a parent.
Self-soothing isn’t a strict requirement for better sleep. While it can make nights smoother, the reality of lying in the dark waiting for your child to settle or tending to them in the middle of the night can be exhausting. There are, however, ways to make things easier. Share bedtime responsibilities with your partner, consider co-sleeping for added comfort, take turns getting extra sleep on weekends, or even use screens to help you catch a quick nap (there’s no shame in that!). What works for one parent may not work for another, but prioritizing self-care is crucial for maintaining your own well-being.
Most importantly, even if you never formally teach your child to self-soothe, rest assured that they will eventually learn it on their own. While I can’t tell you when this will happen, I’m confident it will occur. Children naturally strive for independence, and no one goes off to college needing their parent to lull them to sleep.
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Summary
Every child has their own natural sleep temperament, and not all will learn to self-soothe right away. While it can be challenging, there’s no need to stress if your child hasn’t mastered this skill. Self-soothing is not a prerequisite for healthy sleep, and with patience and self-care, you will find ways to cope. Children will eventually learn to be independent sleepers, so you’re not alone in this journey.