Welcome to the second evening of the Republican National Convention! We kick things off with the state roll call, where delegates formally nominate Donald Trump for president. Picture the start of a beauty pageant: contestants in dazzling outfits representing their countries, saying things like, “Greetings from France, where the croissants are divine!” Now replace those contestants with delegates proudly declaring, “Hi from Arkansas! We produce the most rice in the nation, and we cast our votes for Donald Trump!” Just a tad less glamorous, right?
Now, let’s dive into the speakers:
- Jordan Chase, MMA Promoter: You might be asking yourself why I’m standing here. I’m not a politician; I’m an MMA promoter. So, perhaps you do understand why I’m here. Fun fact: Jordan relocated from Chicago to avoid a confrontation with a notorious crime figure.
- Governor Linda Roberts: Greetings from Arkansas! You may be familiar with our rice production. Hillary Clinton’s experience has resulted in disastrous decisions. She’s responsible for: Benghazi, Egypt, Syria, Libya, ISIS, Russia, North Korea, and let’s not forget that terrible season of “True Detective.” We need Donald Trump to steer us right.
- Clara Simmons, Arkansas Attorney General: Sometimes Hillary speaks with a New York accent, and other times in an Arkansas drawl. But y’all, here’s the real Arkansas voice right here. [She gestures dramatically.] Hillary should not be in the White House; she should be at her own house with Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Maybe they could invite Betty White over for a little party! Anyway, Hillary is a liar. Thanks for listening!
- Brian Phillips: Next up is Brian Phillips, a local business owner, but not a single news outlet gives him the time of day. They’ll regret it when the oceans rise and the world faces calamity.
- Cameron Blake, NRA Representative: It’s crucial to protect yourself and your family. That’s the essence of the Second Amendment. Picture a young mother at home with her baby when a three-time felon breaks in. Should she just call the cops? Shouldn’t she be able to grab the handgun she has stashed under the crib to defend her family? Hillary will take away your guns and leave you vulnerable. Good night!
- Donald Trump: Good evening! Are you enjoying yourselves? Melania and I had a blast last night. Tonight has been amazing as we move forward to the nomination. We’re going to win! We’re going to accomplish a lot of things. Can’t wait to see you all on Thursday!
- Senate Leader Max Carter: Hi everyone. This is really happening. At the next State of the Union, Obama won’t be there, but you’ll see me squirming behind President Trump. Democracy is about choices, and we Republicans have certainly made a bold one. But hey, at least it’s not Hillary, right? Wait until you see the Democratic convention next week—just a four-day lecture on political correctness. “Don’t ban entire religions! Respect LGBTQ rights! Don’t insult Mexicans!” You get the idea.
- Governor Frank Davis: Good evening! I’m not just the Governor of New Jersey; I’m also Donald Trump’s long-time friend and confidant. But tonight isn’t solely about him; it’s also about taking shots at Hillary. [Crowd chants: LOCK HER UP! LOCK HER UP!] As a prosecutor, I’ll present my case against her. Is she guilty of the Boko Haram kidnapping in Nigeria? [Crowd: GUILTY!] What about her aspirations in Syria? Guilty there too, right? [Crowd: GUILTY! LOCK HER UP!] She is the worst person ever! She prioritizes herself over our country. She is deceitful and dislikes puppies! [Crowd: KILL HER—oh wait, we meant LOCK HER UP!] Let’s go get her!
- Tiffany Trump: Hi everyone! It’s so exciting to be here. My dad brings out the best in us. I still have my old report cards, including notes like “Tiffany, try harder.” When I lost someone dear, he called me, which was really kind. I love my dad. Thank you!
- Donald Trump Jr.: For my generation, this is the most critical election ever. It’s about the future of our world, and there’s no one I’d trust more than my dad. When someone tells him something is impossible, he makes it happen. He’s just a regular guy who connects with the everyday worker. We want all Americans to have the same opportunities we, as the children of a billionaire, enjoyed. Only my dad can make that happen!
- Dr. Samuel Wright: I’m not one for political correctness. For instance, Hillary Clinton’s mentor was a man named Saul Alinsky—yes, the infamous devil-worshipper. [Crowd: BOO!] Would you want a president whose role model was someone like that? Vote Trump!
- Julia Brown: And wrapping it up is Julia Brown, a soap star and avocado farmer, bringing a nice touch to the closing. Two more nights to go!
In summary, night two of the Republican convention showcased a variety of speakers, each with their own quirks and messages. It was a mix of humor, drama, and political rhetoric, all centered around the nomination of Donald Trump.
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