By: Emma Carter
Kids experience emotions in all shapes and sizes. They have profound feelings—complex, messy, and sometimes overwhelming. Anyone who has been around a crying infant, a tantruming toddler, or a moody teenager knows that children come equipped with an array of emotions right from the start.
Through my experiences as both a parent and an educator, I’ve noticed that much of what society conveys about emotions is often indirect and unintentional. With my own children, I’ve found myself saying “Stop that” during a meltdown or “Don’t be sad” when tears start to flow. My intention isn’t to teach them to suppress their feelings; it’s just challenging to navigate parenting during these emotional storms. Yet, when kids are inadvertently taught that certain feelings are undesirable or even dangerous, they may start to think they shouldn’t feel them at all. Anger gets labeled as harmful, while sadness can feel like a personal failure.
This mindset can be detrimental, leading children to believe they must control their emotions, as if it’s preferable to avoid feeling anything at all. The phrase “happiness is a choice” often implies that we should have complete control over our emotions. If happiness were a simple choice, why would anyone ever choose sadness? This notion can create a sense of powerlessness, making one believe that their lack of happiness is due to poor decision-making.
I spent years trying to manage my “dangerous” feelings like anger and sadness, only to find that this approach backfired. Instead of finding relief, I felt increasingly unhappy, convinced that my moments of sadness were a result of my own failures. The more I tried to suppress these feelings, the more miserable I became.
The turning point for me was understanding that I don’t need to control my emotions because none of them are inherently bad. It’s not the feeling of anger that’s wrong; it’s how we respond to it that determines whether the outcome is positive or negative. Similarly, sadness isn’t bad in itself; it’s our choices in response to it that matter.
In our household, we encourage open conversations about emotions and the choices that come with them. We frequently remind each other, “It’s OK to be mad, but being mean is not.” We explore various expressions of frustration, like asking, “What’s a healthier way to express that?” or acknowledging shared sadness, asking, “How can we feel sad while still being kind?”
It’s perfectly fine to experience a range of emotions, and one can feel deeply while still making compassionate choices. No feelings are wrong; some can just be trickier to confront.
I strive to respond thoughtfully to my children’s emotions. Even if I don’t fully grasp why they’re feeling sad, I avoid telling them to simply shake it off. I don’t see their emotions as choices; instead, I guide them to reflect on the factors contributing to their feelings and the choices they can make alongside those emotions.
Given the rising rates of depression, suicide, and mental health challenges among today’s youth, it’s crucial to be mindful of what we teach them about emotional well-being. Children with feelings will grow into adults with feelings, many of which can be complex and difficult. This is part of the human experience.
Rather than encouraging my children to repress or fear their emotions, I want to help them build a healthy relationship with their feelings. They don’t need to control their emotions, nor should their emotions control them.
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Summary
In teaching children about their emotions, it’s essential to validate their feelings rather than instructing them to suppress or control them. By fostering open conversations about feelings and the choices that come with them, parents can help their children navigate their emotional landscapes without fear. Embracing all emotions as part of the human experience is crucial for healthy emotional development.