When it comes to a fulfilling marriage, one of the most important steps is to abandon the idealized vision of what a perfect partnership should resemble. Just wipe that mental image clean—it’s time to let it go for good. Additionally, it’s vital to release the nostalgic memories of your relationship before kids, because that chapter has closed (just like your pre-baby body might feel like it has). Marriage is challenging enough on its own, but once children enter the picture, it’s a completely different ballgame.
This new game comes without a coach, a referee, or even a clear playbook. Parenting amplifies the struggles of marriage. The love, emotional intensity, and challenges of raising children are beyond what you can describe. It’s a beautiful yet exhausting experience, and there’s no pause button. Finding time to nurture your marriage becomes nearly impossible, especially when your thoughts are rarely your own until late at night, when the kids are asleep. After a long day of parenting, who wants to sit down for a heartfelt conversation?
Many marital issues end up brushed aside instead of addressed in the moment. I often find that things seem fine at home until, suddenly, they aren’t. The transition from minor annoyances to major disputes can happen in the blink of an eye.
Parents often argue over trivial matters simply because they are mentally and physically drained. The smallest irritations can lead to explosive reactions, leaving you questioning your sanity. All your energy is now focused on the kids, and let’s be honest—surviving the day can feel like a monumental task. Hearing someone say, “You won’t sleep for 18 years after having a child,” isn’t an exaggeration; it’s a warning.
As my little one is now four, I still find myself waking up multiple times a night—often just to ensure that I’m even more exhausted the next day! And I can only imagine the fatigue that comes with raising multiple children.
To add to the chaos, your body isn’t what it used to be. Mine certainly isn’t; I feel like I’ve aged a decade overnight. Preparing a healthy dinner can feel impossible, especially when it ends up on the floor instead of on the table. As for hitting the gym? Well, those thoughts usually come to mind while I’m trying to catch my breath between chicken nuggets.
The reality is, you’re simply not at your best anymore. In fact, what “best” looks like has completely changed.
The main takeaway? Marriage becomes tougher after kids, and that’s perfectly normal. The sooner we recognize this, the sooner we can liberate ourselves from unrealistic expectations. I’m no marital expert or parenting guru, but I do have a circle of amazing friends who offer invaluable insights—perhaps that’s the next best thing to a degree!
The truth is, every marriage faces its share of difficulties. Some couples just manage to conceal their struggles better than others. Those who seem to have it all together are often putting on a front, as no one’s life is without challenges. We all argue, we all have our moments on our high horse, and we’ve all gone to bed upset.
This piece serves as a reminder that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed sometimes. It’s a nudge to be a better communicator, a better partner, and a better person. It’s vital not to lose sight of what brought you together in the first place—love. This is the glue that keeps you bonded day after day. You’ve built a life together that no one can take away, so focus on the positives. Let go of the petty grievances and don’t hold onto negative energy.
Stop comparing your marriage to others and shed those suffocating standards of perfection. Discover what your marriage looks like now and learn to embrace it. If you don’t love the current picture, create a new one. Show your children the kind of relationship you hope they will have one day.
In a moment of inspiration, I crafted a mantra for my marriage that I plan to display prominently: “Strive to improve every day. When times are tough, find joy in the chaos. And always prioritize each other, after God.”
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Summary
Marriage transforms significantly after children, and it’s crucial to let go of unrealistic expectations of perfection. The struggles and joys of parenting can strain relationships, but recognizing the reality of these challenges can free couples from undue pressure. Embracing your current marital situation and focusing on love will help strengthen your bond. Create a mantra for your relationship to guide you through the chaos and prioritize each other.