During my time at university and grad school, I found myself nearly 700 miles away from home. My husband, Jake, was also pursuing his advanced degree, 400 miles from his close-knit family. We never imagined we would settle so far from our roots, but after meeting and marrying, I stepped back from my Ph.D. program, and we began discussing starting a family while he continued to juggle his teaching and doctoral work. We bought a house, planted our roots, and now reside in a small southern town, far from both of our families.
Our situation has led to an ongoing tug-of-war between two extended families, each vying for our limited free time. Initially, we tried to make everyone happy. Before kids, our Christmases were a marathon of travel: we’d drive to my parents’ house, stay for a week, help bake traditional pastries, and partake in the Slovak Christmas Eve dinner, complete with a seat for God and a midnight Mass. Then, on Christmas Day, we’d pack up and drive another 350 miles to celebrate with Jake’s family, all while our dogs were kenneled and our house was left empty — not to mention the Christmas tree slowly becoming a fire hazard. We dreaded the holiday season.
Once our children arrived, I made a commitment to prioritize our immediate family’s needs above all else. I set firm boundaries, like insisting that no one visit during my oldest son’s birth, allowing family to come one at a time afterward. My side visited first, followed by Jake’s family nearly ten days later. Neither side was thrilled, but I stood my ground.
This boundary-setting proved effective, allowing us to make more manageable visits. My in-laws’ house was just a five-hour drive, especially at night when the baby was asleep, making those trips more frequent. My mother’s home, however, was ten hours away, which made it challenging to visit with a little one. So, we opted out of those visits, much to my mother’s dismay. She envisioned a big celebration with family when our son Blaise was born, but I knew that would be too much for us. She didn’t take it well, but I had to focus on what was best for my child.
Over the years, we’ve navigated family traditions, including spending two weeks at Nags Head with Jake’s family, a cherished tradition for the past 40 years. Our boys loved playing with their cousins at the beach. However, one year, I tried to please everyone by visiting my parents for ten days before heading to Nags Head. The result was chaos: a hefty kennel bill, worries about our house while we were gone, and even an antique gaming table getting ruined. I learned my lesson the hard way.
Now, we aim for shorter visits with my parents — just six days at most — followed by a few days with my in-laws. Despite their pleas for longer stays and tempting offers like my parents’ mountain cabin, we remain firm in our decision to avoid a repeat of past experiences. My mother is unhappy once again this summer because we’ve already made trips to the mountains and Nags Head. I simply can’t handle another long car ride and have had to stick to my rules. I’ve invited her to visit us instead.
We offer an open invitation to family to come and see us whenever they can, and they do! My mother visits whenever her schedule allows, and we cherish those times. She enjoys exploring houses (she’s considering a move) and spending time with the kids. Sometimes, my in-laws meet us halfway for outings to museums and zoos, and they often stay in a hotel since we lack space. My mom stays with us, and if that becomes an issue, we’ll make it known. With three young children, dogs, and limited resources, it’s more practical for family to visit us.
Finding the balance between two demanding families is challenging, but we’ve learned that clear boundaries help. Eventually, they come to understand or risk seeing less of us. While extended family is important, our immediate family and my well-being take priority. This approach allows us to thrive without the stress of constant travel.
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