“You’re just naturally lumpy,” my doctor said. “Let’s schedule a mammogram to establish a baseline. That way, I can tell which lumps are fine and which ones might need attention.” Oh great, “naturally lumpy.”
At 37, I never thought much about the inner workings of my breasts, but I guess they now resembled something akin to a worn-out mattress or a poorly cooked bowl of oatmeal. The idea of getting a mammogram filled me with dread. My imagination conjured up images of a frigid, shadowy room where an unsympathetic technician would jam my chest into an apparatus—let’s call it the “Ta-Ta Torturer”—and squash my poor, lumpy assets into painful flatness.
But guess what? It was nothing like that. The room was cozy and well-lit, and my technician, whom I’ll refer to as Sarah, was friendly and gentle. The entire process was quick and mostly painless, with just a hint of discomfort. In fact, it was so uneventful that I barely noticed it happen.
Fast forward four years, and I’ve chatted with several women who share similar anxieties about mammograms. So, for anyone out there who’s as scared of the “Melon Masher” as I was, let me share my most recent experience, which might just ease your mind.
I arrived to an empty waiting room, where an older couple struggled to recognize celebrities in a magazine. (“Is Katy Perry related to Matthew Perry? No, that’s the other one…”) Just then, Sarah came to the door, attempting to call my name. I have a hyphenated last name, which often leads to mispronunciation.
“Well, you almost got it,” I chuckled, though the truth was she didn’t come close. I explained my name in a way that didn’t sound condescending, and she glanced at my file in confusion. “Oh, sorry about that!” she replied, trying to match her pronunciation to the letters in front of her.
“No worries!” I waved it off, mentally noting to keep on Sarah’s good side—after all, she was about to handle my “cans.”
“I’m sure you’re used to it. Right this way, Ma’am.” (Oh, “Ma’am”—that’s a title I’m becoming accustomed to…)
She led me to a changing room and instructed me to remove everything from the waist up, assuring me there was a gown on the shelf that didn’t require tying. The gown was thin and stiff, with a faint smell of bleach. When I stepped out, Sarah chuckled, “Um, Ma’am, you might want to turn your gown around.” Oops! I had it on backward. I quickly fixed it and followed her into the next room, where the “Teat Trapper” awaited.
The machine was tall and sleek, almost inviting despite its intimidating purpose. Sarah directed me on where to position myself, and as I stood there half-naked, I wondered if it would feel awkward. But honestly? It wasn’t weird at all. Medical professionals are great at keeping the atmosphere light; they often chat about anything from the weather to favorite movies.
Before I knew it, I was positioned on the “Jug Hugger,” and, yes, I was flattened into a…well, a pancake.
Now, the big question: Does it hurt? For me, the answer is a resounding no. Honestly, it’s less painful than stubbing your toe or getting lemon juice on a paper cut. Once Sarah was satisfied with my positioning, she retreated to her safe zone behind the “Super-Duper-Safe Anti-X-Ray Radiation Barrier” (I think that’s what it’s called).
“Don’t breathe! Don’t breathe!” she instructed as she pushed the buttons. And let me tell you, when someone tells you not to breathe, that’s all you can think about! The rest of the exam went by quickly—plop, flatten, retreat, “Don’t breathe!”—and I only needed a do-over on one of the twins because I accidentally breathed.
So, there you have it! Mammograms are nothing to fear. Just remember:
- The gown opens in the front.
- It won’t be weird unless you make it weird.
- Don’t breathe!
The only thing scarier than the “Pillow Presser”? Breast cancer. I’m thrilled to report that my results came back normal. However, many women aren’t so lucky. If you’re able to get a mammogram, if you have a family history, or if you’re over 40, just do it. It’ll likely be an uneventful hour out of your day—one that could ultimately save your life. And who knows, you might even have your own entertaining encounter with the “Knocker Nabber.” If you do, feel free to share. You can even call me Ma’am!
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Summary
Mammograms can be intimidating, but they are usually quick and painless. With a friendly technician and a supportive environment, the experience can be far less daunting than imagined. Regular screenings can help catch potential issues early, making them an essential part of women’s health.