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Navigating Depression and Anxiety During Pregnancy
“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m not excited about becoming a mom,” I confided to my doctor, tears streaming down my cheeks as I struggled to voice the overwhelming shame that accompanied my feelings. The weight of those words still haunts me today.
My journey with postpartum depression began in the final trimester of my first pregnancy. In that last month, sleep was elusive; I found myself waking up six to eight times a night, not to mention the severe back pain and the swelling in my hands and feet that made them almost unrecognizable. Yet, the most daunting challenge was the relentless anxiety that consumed me throughout my pregnancy.
Counting down the weeks only amplified my anxiety. From the moment I learned I was expecting, I eagerly signed up for weekly updates and scoured social media for hashtags related to my pregnancy journey. #12weeks… #25weeks… It felt like every moment was filled with anticipation, but not in a joyful way.
Anxiety has been a constant companion in my life, sometimes manageable, other times overwhelming. I can confidently say that my pregnancies and the months following childbirth were some of the toughest times I’ve ever faced. My mind often spiraled into “worst-case scenarios,” filled with fears about potential tragedies that could occur. Early on, I was plagued by thoughts of miscarriage, especially since I am a twin and my mother had lost my sister at 20 weeks. Thus, reaching that milestone was a monumental relief for me.
Yet, once I crossed that threshold, my focus shifted obsessively to labor and delivery. During one of my early appointments, I opened up to my doctor about my anxiety. He was an experienced OB who had seen it all, but his response to my concerns was less than reassuring. “Don’t worry too much about burning the mashed potatoes!” he chuckled, leaving me feeling misunderstood and dismissed. After a few unsettling appointments, we decided to switch doctors, especially after he casually mentioned that our son had a two-vessel umbilical cord and advised me against Googling it to avoid horror stories.
For those of you reading this, please never tell a mother not to Google something, particularly one dealing with anxiety.
I have to admit, I struggled with my pregnancy. Some may call me cold or heartless, but it’s the truth. I had always envisioned pregnancy as a time to indulge in cravings and relax, but that was far from my reality. My doctor closely monitored my weight due to unhealthy gains, and I worked full-time right up until the day before my induction. The most frustrating part was hearing people say, “It will all be worth it when you hold your sweet baby boy.” Would it really?
At 38 weeks, I reached my breaking point and voiced my feelings to my doctor. After ensuring I wasn’t a danger to myself or others, he insisted I try some sleep medication. I resisted initially, having avoided medication throughout my pregnancy, but he explained it was crucial for my well-being.
Growing a human being is indeed a miraculous process, but for me, it felt like an anxiety-ridden ordeal I wasn’t sure I could endure again. It’s essential for mothers to understand that feeling this way is perfectly valid. It’s okay not to embrace the idealized version of pregnancy. We often feel pressured to hide our struggles, fearing that honesty might undermine our experiences or our babies. I believe that fostering open conversations about pregnancy, particularly surrounding mental health challenges like anxiety and depression, is vital to dismantling the stigma associated with them.
If you suspect you might be experiencing postpartum depression or need additional support, I recommend visiting Postpartum Progress for resources and guidance.
This article originally appeared on Home Insemination Kit.
Summary:
Pregnancy can be a challenging time for many, especially for those dealing with anxiety and depression. It’s important to recognize that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed and to seek support. Open dialogue about these topics can help reduce stigma and create a more supportive environment for mothers-to-be.