Pregnancy
By Samantha Green
Updated: July 2, 2020
Originally Published: August 11, 2016
Recently, while tidying up my space, I stumbled upon an old relic: my birth plan. It was like opening a time capsule filled with my hopes and dreams, but as I read through my extensive list of requests—natural childbirth, a serene environment, soft lighting—I couldn’t help but cringe at just how detailed it was. Did I really need to lay out two whole pages of instructions?
In that moment, I imagined a different birth plan, one that truly captured the spirit of the day. So, here’s what I wish I had penned instead:
Oh my goodness! I’m about to have a baby! Yay! You probably already guessed I’m in labor, but just in case, I’ve jotted down my thoughts for you!
- First things first: let’s be clear. I struggle with bowel movements. Seriously, I’m often constipated. So, please don’t use the phrase “push like you’re having a bowel movement.” When it’s time for me to go, it’s an explosion—not a gentle push!
- And speaking of that, if I happen to, um, release anything on the table, could we keep that as a little secret? It’d be great if my husband didn’t see it either. A little dignity goes a long way!
- I’m a bit of a screamer. I’ve provided earplugs for the nurses attending to me. If they need some extra relief, I can share some headache meds too!
- Please refrain from showing me a mirror during labor—unless it’s to check for spinach in my teeth or a lipstick touch-up. I’d prefer to keep my “lady bits” out of sight and let my imagination handle the rest.
- Just a heads up: I am not a fan of spinal needles. I don’t like them at all. But if you could hook me up with some laughing gas, that would be fab!
- I often struggle with decisions, so I might waver between ice chips or water, walking or squatting, lying down or sitting on a birthing ball. Bear with me!
- I’m eager to breastfeed my baby. I’ve read about it, but I may need some encouragement and coaching. I’ve even packed pom-poms in my labor bag for you to get creative with your cheers!
- Please, no pacifiers for my baby. This isn’t about nipple confusion (that concept still baffles me!). I’m looking ahead—who wants to deal with weaning off a pacifier? Not me!
- I’d like to order five cases of mesh panties, please. I hear they’re all the rage and a postpartum must-have.
- Lastly, I’d like to book my husband’s vasectomy for a couple of hours after our little one arrives. He can skip the pain meds in honor of my natural childbirth—just kidding! He can have the laughing gas!
Congratulations on making it through my birth plan! I appreciate your patience.
Now for the most vital part: thank you. You read countless birth plans every year, witnessing both the joys and challenges of childbirth. Your work is invaluable. The way you treat families like mine means the world to us. Your support for my husband, as he helps me through labor, and your presence as we welcome our new family member truly matters.
As a small token of appreciation, here’s a coffee card to share with your fellow nurses and staff. Today’s caffeine is on me!
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In summary, my ideal birth plan highlights humor, practicality, and profound gratitude for the healthcare professionals who support families during such a significant life event.