In December, I made the decision to stop taking my medication for anxiety and depression. This choice stemmed from a combination of shifting insurance providers and a new doctor, along with a misguided belief that I had things under control. When I first received my prescription, I was in a chaotic state. I was constantly anxious, battling depression, and struggling to find rest. I knew I needed support.
If I had been single or even just in a relationship, I might have tried to push through on my own. However, at that time, I was a mother to a toddler and a preschooler who needed me to be fully present. They deserved a mom who wasn’t lost in thoughts of despair or fretting over imaginary catastrophes. They needed the best version of me, and I realized that my unmedicated self was not what they deserved.
After about a year on medication, I began to feel optimistic. I thought I had reached a point where I could navigate life without the aid of medication. I was convinced I could be the mother my children needed, the friend my loved ones relied on, and the partner my husband deserved. I was wrong.
For five months, I tried to embody the person I aspired to be — someone who perceived life clearly rather than through a fog of anxiety. While I experienced some good days and small wins, I ultimately found myself submerged once again in the overwhelming waves of anxiety and depression. It became clear that I needed medication once more.
Initially, I felt defeated, as though I had failed. I questioned whether I should have tried harder, gotten more rest, or done other things differently to be okay. I felt weak and hopeless, convinced I could never become the person my family needed.
Now, after several weeks back on my medication, I’ve come to realize that those negative thoughts were entirely unfounded. There’s nothing inherently “wrong” with me; my brain simply functions differently, which contributes to my anxiety and depression. This isn’t a defect; it’s part of who I am. Just as I have brown hair and green eyes, I also navigate life with anxiety and depression — and that’s completely acceptable.
Many individuals face stigma for taking medication, but I want to emphasize that being on medication has made me a better mother. It helps me maintain emotional balance. With a clear mind, I can engage with my children fully instead of being preoccupied with worries. I can rise each day, ready to teach, nurture, and love them with all my heart. I’m not quick to anger because I’m no longer on high alert all the time. I can breathe deeply, savoring both the joyful and challenging moments, knowing that I am the best mom I can be.
I wouldn’t wish anxiety or depression on anyone; they are difficult and can be devastating. But if you’re grappling with similar issues, please seek help. While some may judge or express disappointment, their opinions don’t define you. What truly matters is that medication can help you become the person you aspire to be. It can restore your sense of wholeness. My medication is a precious gift for both me and my children, and I will continue to take it as long as I need to be the best mom possible.
My children deserve it. I deserve it. You do, too.
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Summary
In this personal reflection, Maria Johnson shares her journey with anxiety and depression, emphasizing the importance of medication in her life as a parent. She discusses her initial decision to stop taking medication and the challenges that followed, ultimately recognizing that she is a better mother when her mental health is supported. Maria highlights the significance of seeking help and the positive impact medication can have on parenting.