I’m confident my kids are lice-free because, as we all know from watching various debates, only the unkempt kids end up with them. My cousin, who’s a family doctor, would argue otherwise, likely because her children have dealt with this itchy issue. She prides herself on cleanliness, perhaps even more than I do — and I’m pretty particular. But let’s be honest: dirty equals lice, right?
Yet, if my kids did happen to contract lice, and I found out on the second day of our recent family getaway, here’s what I would have learned:
- Lice Math
Four kids plus three lice equals four sets of bedding and a mountain of beloved stuffed animals, which translates to 231 items needing to be cleaned in a washing machine that isn’t my own. - Prosecco
No amount of prosecco can prepare you for this chaos. Seriously, why didn’t we stock up when we passed that liquor store in the tax-free zone? I’m in desperate need of more prosecco! - Lice Treatment
You won’t face judgment in an out-of-state Walmart for picking up lice treatment. Oddly enough, you might still judge others for their shopping choices. - The Itch
Oh, the relentless itching! It feels like it will never end. - Tiny Combs
You’ll apply some slippery treatment to 24 inches of hair and then meticulously comb it out with those minuscule metal combs, section by section. This might actually be the definition of hell. Where’s my prosecco? Did we get chardonnay? Who’s responsible for the grocery run? Can’t they sell prosecco near the lice combs at Walmart? Goodness, I thought this was America! - Judgment Day
One child is clearly the source of this outbreak. You’ll give her the cold shoulder with references to Typhoid Mary to silence her whining during each pass of the tiny comb. She’s the reason for our family’s plight. No one is allowed in her car seat. Do not give in! - Old Eyes
You’ll wonder how you spotted the first louse, but suddenly everything is a blur. Is there a magnifying glass at Walmart? Because there should be, right next to the tiny combs and prosecco. - Blow Drying
You’ll be instructed to blow dry your children’s hair every other day, even though you haven’t had a minute to fully dry your own hair in eight years. Apparently, heat kills lice. However, spending three hours blow-drying seven square feet of hair will surely drain your spirit. If you didn’t stock up on prosecco, feel free to indulge in the Hershey’s bars you bought for s’mores at the campfire during this trip from hell. Blame Typhoid Mary when the s’mores supplies run low. - Fair-Weather Friends
Upon your swift return from vacation, expect a 50/50 chance that playdates and birthday party invites will be canceled. One friend might suggest, “Let’s reschedule for two or three weeks from now.” Meanwhile, another friend will call, frantically scratching her head, “Oh my gosh! My nanny just called — Mary has lice too! I can’t drive; I’m itching so much! Wait, there’s a liquor store and a CVS. I need to pull over.” She’s still up for the playdate. - You’ve Gained Nothing
When that friend with a lice-prone child agrees to the playdate, you’ll find yourself hesitating, considering if you truly want to proceed… because, well, lice. So unsanitary.
In conclusion, wash everything, grab more prosecco, secure a tiny metal comb along with Permethrin shampoo (my cousin swears by it), and then comb, comb, comb while blow-drying hair every other day for eternity. Amen.
And if you’re looking for a silver lining — and the tiny metal comb doesn’t shine enough — remember that one website suggested viewing the nit-picking as a chance for quality time with your child. I see it as a reason to pour another glass of prosecco, but what do I know? My kids are lice-free… or so I thought. Okay, fine. My kids do have lice. Enjoy a Hershey’s Bar!
For more insights, check out our post on home insemination kits, or explore resources from Make a Mom for expert tips. And for additional information on related topics, Genetics and IVF Institute offers a wealth of knowledge.
Summary:
This article humorously explores the trials and tribulations of dealing with lice as a parent while highlighting the importance of cleanliness, resilience, and a sense of humor. It also provides links to relevant resources on home insemination and genetics.