To my beloved sons,
I can only imagine how great it must be to have a penis. If I had one, I’d probably find myself twirling and poking at it just like you do! But as your mom, it’s my responsibility to guide you on when and where it’s acceptable to “let it fly.” Considering the number of places I’ve caught you urinating, it’s time for a little more clarity in this area. So here it goes, and I want you to remember this:
Just because you can pee anywhere doesn’t mean you should.
I get it; it’s really convenient to relieve yourself without having to search for a restroom, especially in those urgent moments when we’re far from the nearest stop. I’ve been there, too — like that time we were on a long drive and the baby was finally asleep. But most of the time, you’re close enough to a proper toilet. Therefore, it’s entirely unnecessary (and socially unacceptable) to pee in any of the following places:
- Our front yard
- The neighbor’s front yard
- The street drain
- The park
- The playground
- From the porch
- The side of the house
- The cat’s litter box
- Potted plants
- Flower beds
- Coffee cups
- Water guns (especially if they sit in your closet until the pee is rancid—yikes!)
I promise, I’m not trying to be mean! Even someone without a penis, like myself, can appreciate the temptation of having a portable hose at your disposal. But giving in to the urge to relieve yourself in random places can lead to some embarrassing situations — and perhaps even some legal trouble.
Now, to make things a bit more fun, I might allow you to write your name in the snow every now and then because, honestly, that sounds like a blast! But only in a spot where no one can see, okay?
Most of the time, though, when you’re not near a snowbank (which is almost always), the toilet is the ideal aim. Aim for the water, and if you’re feeling adventurous, toss in a few Cheerios to make it more exciting. It’s a small price to pay for keeping our community clean and avoiding the awkwardness of seeing you drop your pants in public.
I’m here to teach you valuable lessons on etiquette, and that includes avoiding any cloth or paper items as potential targets for urination.
With all my love,
Mom
For more insights on parenting and other related topics, check out our post on home insemination kits and learn about your fertility journey at Make a Mom. Also, don’t forget to visit WomensHealth.gov for excellent resources on pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, while the freedom to pee may seem like a perk of having a penis, there are boundaries that we must respect. It’s essential to learn where and when it’s acceptable, and as your mother, I’m here to guide you through these important lessons.