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Let’s Get Real About Marriage
Let’s face it: marriage can be tough. “Tough” hardly encapsulates the depth of the experience. It’s a word that feels flat compared to the complex and intense feelings involved—both the highs and the lows. Perhaps my perspective is shaped by my own upbringing; I didn’t have the privilege of witnessing a healthy marriage. Instead, my parents were often embroiled in conflict, with little affection or romance in sight. I frequently questioned whether they genuinely loved each other or if they remained together solely due to their religious beliefs.
Divorce poses its own challenges, too. I tend to liken marriage to an abstract painting—colors splattered across the canvas, chaotic yet purposeful, inviting multiple interpretations. It can be breathtaking and hideous at the same time, sometimes just hanging there without a clear definition.
I think part of me has absorbed the notion that people don’t want to hear about the struggles that come with marriage, especially after the comments I’ve received about being divorced. This led me to create a façade of marital bliss for everyone outside of my relationship. Look at our happy selfies! Isn’t our marriage amazing? If you were to scroll back to when we had been together for seven years, you’d see plenty of these curated moments. I wanted everyone to believe everything was fine, all while I was secretly terrified that we were nearing the end.
That was a whole lot of pretense I was putting out into the world. Yet, here we are—11 years in. Despite writing about our marriage hitting a rough patch just a few months ago, we’ve somehow managed to stay together. We’ve danced dangerously close to the brink of collapse multiple times. I didn’t share the heart-wrenching conversations we’ve had, nor did I mention the betrayals that stemmed from neglect and spite. The struggle with communication, the exploration of polyamory, and the moments when we stumbled over one another in our anger—all of these experiences were kept hidden from the public eye. There’s so much shame, whether it’s self-imposed or societal, in admitting that relationships aren’t always a fairy tale.
But here’s the thing: while it’s perfectly fine to take pride in a thriving marriage, it becomes problematic when we start comparing ourselves to the highlights others showcase. We often assume that their relationships are free of struggles, which feeds into a harmful narrative that dismisses those of us who have experienced divorce or hardship. It’s a misconception that there’s no middle ground in marriage, where the reality often lies.
Right now, my marriage exists in that middle ground—an eclectic space that accommodates our different needs. It’s not that we’ve discovered some magical secret to relationship success; instead, we’ve let go of the unrealistic expectation that marriage should be flawless. Every relationship has its own unique set of rules, and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach.
So, can we all agree that marriage can be challenging?
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In summary, marriage is a complex journey filled with ups and downs. It’s important to recognize that while it can be challenging, every relationship is unique and has its own dynamics. Embracing this reality can help us navigate our own paths more authentically.