Once upon a time, I was deeply passionate about running. Before the responsibilities of parenthood, we all had our identities—whether as artists, musicians, or enthusiastic readers. While many manage to weave their passions into their lives after having kids, I found myself struggling.
When I welcomed my first child, I was overwhelmed by the challenges of motherhood, compounded by postpartum depression. Without nearby family or friends to lend a hand, I felt lost in my new role, becoming a version of myself I didn’t recognize. I often wondered what had happened to the vibrant woman I once was. With the shifts brought on by being a wife and mother, it felt like there was little room for me. I grappled with how to fulfill my family’s needs while staying connected to my former self.
For 16 years, I had run with joy, wearing my beloved dark blue baseball cap as I navigated through various terrains—pavement, dirt roads, and trails—escaping the chaos of life with each stride. Running was my escape, my therapy, and my way of coping with life’s challenges. It was my lifeline, allowing me to tackle anything that came my way.
However, after moving to a new state and getting married, life became increasingly complex. An injury sidelined my running, and the arrival of my first baby introduced a level of exhaustion and chaos I never anticipated. My faithful blue cap hung forgotten in my closet. A year after my second child was born, I found myself in a deeper depression, yearning for the release and clarity that running used to provide.
I longed to feel like that woman who could run freely, where every pound against the pavement washed away my worries. I missed the runner’s high—the bliss that lingered long after my workouts. Instead, I felt defeated and trapped in a life where I was always needed, leaving little time for my own needs.
After multiple attempts to run, I found myself too fatigued, out of shape, and often defeated. I’d try, only to stop in frustration, sometimes crying, sometimes angry at myself. Walking became my solace, but even that felt like a retreat into defeat. Running had become as complicated as the rest of my life, and nothing felt familiar anymore.
This is a reality many of us face in the early years of motherhood. Amid the joys and precious moments, we often find ourselves mourning the person we once were, worrying about how long the memory of her can survive before fading away. We wonder if we’ll ever reconnect with her or how to move forward with such a significant part of ourselves seemingly missing.
The demands of parenting can easily obscure our true selves. But every day, we take it one step at a time—one issue, one hour, one day. Those first years of motherhood are navigated slowly, step by step.
Then, one afternoon, nearly six years later, I stumbled upon my running hat buried behind jackets in my closet. The brim had faded to a soft purple from years of shielding me from the rain during my runs in the Pacific Northwest. I put it on, laced up my shoes, and hit the pavement. I was slow, but I pushed forward. My chest burned, but I ran on. Within minutes, the world around me faded, leaving only the rhythm of my breath. I fell back into a familiar pace; my body remembered what it was like to be a runner. As I completed my run, I felt a wave of euphoria wash over me—a sensation I hadn’t experienced in years.
In that moment, I realized that the woman I thought was lost was never gone. She had quietly stepped back, allowing me to focus on my family. As I ran down that final stretch, I recognized that she had been waiting patiently for the day I would reclaim my freedom and joy. My past self and I had reunited, and I was eager to catch up on all the miles we had missed.
Rediscovering yourself is a journey, one that requires time, patience, and self-compassion. Rest assured, it will happen; you are doing better than you believe. Remember, that woman you once were is still within you, patiently waiting for the right moment to reemerge. Until then, embrace each day and take it one step at a time.
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Summary
Rediscovering oneself after becoming a parent can be a challenging journey filled with ups and downs. While the demands of motherhood can lead to feelings of loss and confusion, taking life one step at a time can help in reconnecting with your former self. It’s a gradual process, but the essence of who you once were is still there, waiting to be embraced again.