Why I’m Choosing Not to Shield My Kids from Failure

Parenting Insights

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“Without experiencing failure, our children won’t learn how to rise again.”

These words lingered in the air as I chatted with my friend, Lisa, during a recent park outing. We were deep in conversation about her child’s latest challenges with potty training and the ever-changing preschool drop-off routine.

Our attention soon shifted to a nearby mother frantically chasing her 5-year-old around the playground. She was darting up the steps, hovering near the slide, and weaving through the jungle gym, all in an effort to prevent her child from stumbling. It’s important to acknowledge that every parent has their own approach, and I’m sure she was doing what she felt was best. However, I firmly believe that there’s value in allowing our kids to face setbacks. If we always swoop in to catch them before they stumble, they will never learn how to get back up—whether on the playground or in their future endeavors.

In my experience, true learning happens when we confront failure head-on. When we face challenges, we tend to find solutions. We often come up with even better strategies. This journey through adversity brings humility, fosters personal growth, and cultivates compassion. Without those initial setbacks, this beneficial cycle of learning never gets a chance to start. Over the past five years of parenting, I’ve discovered that permitting my kids to experience failure is one of my most effective parenting techniques.

So, I allow my children to fall—within reason, of course. Sometimes, I even let them feel the sting of exclusion. Just the other day, while watching a group of six kids as part of my babysitting co-op, my oldest, Ethan, began behaving rudely towards the others. I tried everything: verbal corrections, timeouts, separating him from the group—nothing seemed to work. Eventually, one of the kids said, “We don’t want to play with you anymore.”

Ethan attempted to rejoin the circle, pleading and even trying to bribe them with a toy from his room. But the other kids were firm: “No, we don’t want to play with you because you were mean.”

Watching this unfold, my instinct was to intervene and ask the other kids to include him. But then I realized that doing so would rob Ethan of a valuable lesson—the natural consequences of his behavior. When he ran to me, crying, I hugged him and gently said, “Being rude means others might not want to play with you. Let’s try being kind and see if they include you next time.”

It was remarkable to see that the sting of exclusion provided a much more powerful lesson than any other disciplinary action I could have taken.

I still recall a pivotal moment from my own teenage years when my mother forgot to pick me up from school. As the oldest of four, I understood she had a lot on her plate, but after waiting an hour, I walked home in anger. When I confronted her, my dad subsequently informed me that I wouldn’t have a ride to school the next day. Despite my pleas, my mom held firm, and I ended up walking to school, missing my midterms.

In that moment, my mom didn’t come to my rescue. She allowed me to face the consequences of my actions, letting me learn from my experience. Now, as a parent myself, I want my children to experience similar failures. It’s through these moments that they grow, learn, and develop a deeper understanding of accountability and empathy.

Falling and getting back up makes us stronger. Rescuing my kids from failure isn’t my role; rather, I’m here to support them through life’s challenges, equipping them with the skills they need to navigate their own paths.

So, the next time you feel compelled to save your child from a minor setback—be it a skinned knee, bruised ego, or missed opportunity—consider the invaluable lesson they might be missing out on: the understanding that their choices have consequences and that they are ultimately in control of their own journey.

Raise your child in the right direction, and when they stumble along the way, cherish the opportunity to witness their growth and resilience.

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Summary

Allowing children to encounter failure is essential for their growth and development. Instead of always rescuing them from setbacks, parents should support them through challenges, enabling them to learn responsibility and compassion.