It took me over four years to share this truth: my third child was a twin. The loss of my son Ethan’s sibling was such a profound trauma that I’ve kept that experience hidden away, along with the hospital blanket and memory box gifted by the nurses.
When we learned we were expecting twins, we embraced the joy like any expectant parents would. We purchased adorable twin outfits, matching maternity shirts, and even a not-so-cool minivan, transitioning from a family of four to six. My husband and I would stay up late reading twin parenting books, dreaming about the future with two new additions. After experiencing a heart-wrenching loss before Ethan, I believed this was our blessing—two little miracles.
However, during a routine mid-pregnancy ultrasound, the atmosphere shifted, and I felt a wave of dread wash over me. Tears streamed down my face as I sensed the seriousness of the situation. When the sonographer left the room, I knew the doctor would soon return with heartbreaking news, a scenario I had become tragically familiar with. How could this happen again? I felt numb and desperate for any glimmer of hope for my babies. Sadly, I learned that Baby A had passed away.
In that moment, I was faced with a terrifying reality: my body could either recognize the thriving Baby B and carry on, or it could acknowledge the loss and expel both babies. I was overwhelmed, feeling sick and lost. I had to break the news to everyone who had eagerly anticipated our twins’ arrival—a painful shift in my reality.
People often tried to console me with phrases like, “At least you have one baby” or “You have other healthy children.” While I appreciated the sentiment, every word pierced my heart. Yes, I was grateful for my living children and the one still thriving, but I was also mourning the loss of my other baby, and the burden of carrying that grief was heavy.
Carrying a living baby while mourning another is a unique and painful experience. I tried to focus on keeping Baby B healthy, praying that my lost child would somehow protect him during the pregnancy. To manage my anxiety, I even hired a driver to take me around. I made it to the end, and when I finally delivered Ethan, it felt like the biggest sigh of relief.
However, the moment was bittersweet. As the medical team prepared to take Ethan for a procedure, I was reminded of the reality I wished to forget. I had to let go of my precious baby and allow them to retrieve Baby A, whom we named Gabriel. Wrapped in his placenta, he was so tiny. With the counsel of my pastor and the medical staff, we made the heartbreaking decision to donate him to science, hoping to contribute to a greater understanding of such losses.
I had avoided looking at the contents of Gabriel’s memory box until now. Inside, I found his ultrasounds and heartfelt cards from the delivery team expressing their condolences. I feel a longing to turn his gold charm into something special for Ethan when he’s older.
Ethan, with his carefree spirit, sometimes feels like he has a guardian angel watching over him—his brother Gabriel. I encourage him to pray and talk to the angels above, but discussing the reality of being a twin someday seems daunting. I’ll know when the time is right to have that conversation.
Experiencing a loss during pregnancy creates a void that deeply affects your soul. This is why the arrival of my fourth child, Noah, has brought unexpected joy to our family. While I often reflect on the “what ifs” surrounding Gabriel, we’re choosing to move forward. Ethan has embraced his role as a big brother to Noah, and I truly believe that Gabriel’s loss somehow paved the way for Noah’s arrival.
I know I’m not alone in this journey of heartache. Many others have experienced similar losses, yet we rarely discuss it. Through this blog, I hope to connect with others and show them that they are not alone. If you’ve experienced loss of a twin or multiple births, there are resources out there to help. Check out twinlesstwins.org for support, and for more information on pregnancy and home insemination, visit ACOG.
In the end, we keep moving forward, navigating the unpredictable roads of parenting together.