As a parent, there are countless unexpected phrases I’ve found myself saying to my sons—everything from, “Please don’t use your brother as a trampoline,” to the slightly embarrassing, “Forks aren’t for that!” But there’s one thing I can state with complete certainty: I will never tell them to “toughen up.”
In today’s world, we go to great lengths to empower our daughters, encouraging them to pursue their dreams and break free from outdated gender norms. The current generation of girls is not burdened with the same pressures to “act like ladies” that their mothers and grandmothers faced. They’re celebrated for embracing traits that were once labeled as “masculine” and are encouraged to enter spaces previously dominated by men.
Conversely, our sons are often met with the pressure to embody traditional masculinity—strong, dominant, and unemotional. Any sign of vulnerability or sensitivity is often met with disdain, branding them as weak. This is not only unjust but a disservice to their emotional development.
As a mother of four boys, I’ve learned that they are naturally kind-hearted and empathetic. They possess the same spectrum of emotions—fear, sadness, and insecurity—as anyone else. Yet, societal norms pressure them to suppress these feelings, leading to unresolved emotions that can transform into frustration or even anger. When they momentarily lose control of these emotions, the phrase “toughen up” can echo in their ears, leaving them feeling belittled and confused.
I’ve always had the freedom to express my feelings openly, whether it’s shedding tears over a heart-wrenching story or feeling deep compassion for those in need. But if a boy were to react similarly, he might be judged and told to hide his feelings. This difference in societal expectations is troubling.
By teaching our boys to bottle up their emotions, we hinder their ability to build meaningful connections with others. Emotional intelligence is crucial for all relationships, whether personal or professional. Why would we want to deny the boys we love this essential skill? Why would we want them to become men who feel they must hide their emotions?
One of the best gifts I can offer my sons is the freedom to express themselves fully. I will never tell them tears are a sign of weakness; instead, I will embrace their sadness and remind them that it’s perfectly normal to feel upset. I’ll teach them that their interests and preferences aren’t defined by gender. For instance, when my youngest son proudly wore his beloved pink and purple sparkly shoes, I assured him that they were fantastic, regardless of anyone else’s opinion.
I refuse to promote the idea that sensitivity and compassion are feminine traits. As long as society continues to label these qualities as “girly,” we’re doing a disservice to both our sons and daughters. Everyone has the right to express their emotions freely, and we should encourage this in all children.
Boys can be nurturing, loving, and emotionally intelligent until they are pressured to conform to narrow definitions of masculinity. It’s time to rethink what it means to be strong and to embrace the full spectrum of human emotions.
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In summary, I will always encourage my sons to embrace their emotions and express themselves without fear of judgment. By doing so, we are nurturing a more compassionate and emotionally healthy generation.