As I stood at 5’10” and weighed only 100 pounds, I struggled to fasten my beige work pants, which had once felt a bit tight. I pulled the waistband away from my body and noticed a disheartening 4-inch gap between my belly button and the zipper. Taking a deep breath, I tried to push aside the rising panic as I looped my brown leather belt through the loops, fastening it at the last hole. Turning to face the mirror in the back room of the frozen yogurt shop where I had worked for two years, I was met with the reflection of a scared and frail 18-year-old. I had been grappling with the power and control my eating disorder held over me for four long years, even though a part of me yearned to break free.
With high school graduation approaching and several scholarships to a prestigious fine arts school on the horizon, I felt a new sense of determination to heal from my anorexia. I recognized that to fulfill my purpose in life, I needed to reclaim my health. On that day, I promised myself that I would not allow this illness to deepen its grip on me. I was resolved to change, come what may.
The following years were challenging, but they shaped me into a stronger person. I diligently attended therapy sessions with a psychologist, learned to view food positively with the help of a nutritionist, and consulted doctors to monitor my physical health. Each day was a struggle against my demons, but eventually, food ceased to be an issue. Looking back, I view my transformation as miraculous, especially when I hear stories of others who haven’t been as fortunate.
Time passed, and I graduated from college, explored various career paths, moved around, got married, and matured. My past as a clinically diagnosed anorexic faded into memory, feeling almost dreamlike. I weathered life’s storms, emerging stronger and more resilient.
One evening, while waiting for a parking spot at a bustling gym, I was suddenly struck by a wave of nausea. This wasn’t the first time; I had been running to the bathroom all day. A small voice inside me whispered, “This is it. You’re pregnant.” My heart raced as I decided to pull into a grocery store instead. At 34, I had never experienced pregnancy before, especially since the doctors had warned me during my battle with anorexia that my chances of conceiving were slim due to my low weight and lack of menstruation for almost four years.
In the midst of reflecting on a recent passionate night with my husband—one that had happened without birth control—I realized this could be it! I hurried to the bathroom of a nearby coffee shop to take a pregnancy test, which confirmed my suspicions. I called my husband, and together we celebrated this miraculous news.
Initially, the thought of being a mother filled me with joy. For years, I had silently felt guilty, believing that my past actions had robbed me of the chance to start a family. Yet, as the excitement settled, I was surprised to find anxiety creeping in, as the familiar grip of anorexia tightened around me once more. The thought of losing control over my body was terrifying. I knew I would change—I would gain weight, my body would reshape, and I felt helpless against it. Panic began to take hold, pulling me back towards old habits I didn’t want to revisit.
One night, overwhelmed by my emotions, I locked myself in my walk-in closet and called my mother. Through tears of guilt, I shared everything with her. With her unwavering support, I met with my midwife the next day and disclosed my struggles with anorexia. Her response was unexpectedly reassuring; she acknowledged my feelings as normal for women with eating disorders, and even those without similar histories often experienced similar worries. Her words provided me with the confidence I needed to embrace my pregnancy journey.
A few nights later, while lying in bed wrestling with the desire to control my weight gain, I had a breakthrough moment. I reminded myself: I had already fought this battle. I had put in the work, the discipline, and I knew better than to let myself fall back into old patterns. “Anorexia, you have no power over me anymore. You’re a ghost from my past, and I refuse to let you dictate my present or future!” Just like that, the anxiety dissipated, leaving behind a sense of calm that enveloped me as I drifted off to sleep.
This experience taught me an invaluable lesson: Every challenge we face is surmountable. We have the tools to navigate through anything life throws our way. We conquer, we heal, and we emerge victorious. However, remnants of past struggles may resurface in different aspects of our lives, reminding us that they no longer hold sway.
If you find yourself pregnant and grappling with an eating disorder, here are some key takeaways:
- Breathe and Acknowledge: You’re going to be okay. What you’re feeling is common, and you are not alone.
- Understand the Journey: Recovery from an eating disorder is a complex and lifelong endeavor. Overcoming the food aspect doesn’t erase the emotional and psychological struggles that accompany it.
- Channel Your Energy: Those tendencies towards perfectionism can manifest in other areas of life, so be mindful of where your focus lies.
- Seek Support: If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the changes pregnancy brings, reach out to someone—be it your partner, a family member, or a healthcare professional. Opening up can provide immense relief.
- Consult Professionals: Working with a nutritionist throughout your pregnancy ensures you receive the necessary nutrients for both you and your growing baby.
I hope this message resonates with you. Remember, you are not alone in this journey. I’ve walked a similar path, and if I can find my way through, so can you. For further insights, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination, and explore this informative guide for more on self-insemination.