I experienced a traumatic event once, back in my younger days. I was an energetic, dedicated graduate student who let loose one night, only to wake up and find that much more than just my voice had been stolen from me.
The loss of your voice is profoundly disorienting. For a time, you might forget you even had one. You walk through life with your head down, wishing to remain unnoticed. You attempt to dismiss the event as a mere nightmare and take on the blame, feeling a strange gratitude that you weren’t killed and discarded like some forgotten thing. You stop enjoying the little pleasures—like socializing over drinks or laughing with friends—and gradually lose sight of your identity.
The pain is overwhelming, yet during that period, you often exist in a state of numbness, unaware of the turmoil beneath the surface. You enter survival mode, focusing solely on getting through each day, hoping the next will feel less daunting.
Fortunately, I was fortunate enough to find a supportive network. I discovered a therapist who guided me through the shadows of my past, helping me accept what had occurred and encouraging me to move forward with my life.
Now, a decade later, I find joy and purpose again. I have a loving family and much to be grateful for. My voice has returned, thanks to my incredible partner, a supportive family, a handful of insightful therapists, and a fulfilling career that I can truly invest in. For the most part, life feels normal again.
However, certain events can trigger memories of that dark period. Recently, I learned about a sexual assault case at Stanford. Typically, I steer clear of news stories on such topics, as they can be distressing. But when I came across an impact letter—a poignant 12-page statement read by the victim in court—I couldn’t turn away. I read it all, and it left me in tears, filled with anger and sorrow. It resonated with me deeply, echoing the thoughts I once had in my own dark moments.
The harsh reality of rape is that it never fully disappears. You can heal, become stronger, and find happiness, but unexpected triggers can thrust you back into a painful past. While these moments occur with less frequency now, they still leave me feeling vulnerable.
In those moments, I often retreat into silence. I can’t share my feelings with my husband, who loves and supports me but struggles to understand the depth of my pain. I don’t want to burden him with my past. I also hesitate to confide in friends or family, as the shame and embarrassment still linger, even though I know better.
So, I endure those difficult days in silence, experiencing a resurgence of feelings I thought I had left behind. I try to wash away the invisible remnants of that trauma, sometimes even lingering in the shower longer than necessary, seeking solace.
Yet, I am learning to cope. When I am triggered now, it doesn’t spiral me into a deep depression as it once did. I allow myself grace and take time to heal. I shed tears not only for my own experiences but for the countless women who continue to suffer in silence, bound by the same fear and shame that once held me captive.
As a mother now, I find myself wrestling with new fears—not for my own safety but for my daughter’s. I lie awake at night, consumed by worries that she might face similar horrors. It’s a painful thought, but I realize that the best way to combat this fear is through open dialogue.
Discussing sexual assault is tough, yet it is crucial to teach our children about safe, respectful, and consensual relationships. Avoiding these conversations only fosters confusion and shame, perpetuating a cycle of silence.
To all parents out there, I urge you to talk to your kids about the significance of consent. Teach them respect and the importance of boundaries. Equip your daughters with the knowledge to say no.
Though these discussions can be uncomfortable, they are essential. If we remain silent, we let the cycle of trauma persist, when we should be encouraging everyone to find their voice.
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Summary
In this reflective piece, the author recounts their journey of healing after a traumatic experience of sexual assault. They share the emotional struggles and the gradual rediscovery of their voice, emphasizing the importance of support systems and open conversations about consent. The narrative serves as a call to action for parents to engage in discussions that promote understanding and respect, ultimately breaking the cycle of silence surrounding sexual assault.