Phrases like “toughen up,” “grow a spine,” or “stop being a wimp” resonate all too often in our culture. As a parent, my goal is to raise resilient, compassionate sons who embrace their emotions and develop into confident men. For me, confidence is rooted in being true to oneself—honoring their feelings and expressing them, whether they are joyful, sad, or scared, without the need for a façade that society often imposes.
It’s crucial to understand that boys should not be instructed to “man up” any more than girls should be told to “act like a lady.” Here’s why:
Emotional Validity is Key
The feelings of a boy are his alone to navigate. I want my sons to know that it’s okay to feel sad, anxious, or lost. When we tell them to suppress these emotions, we inadvertently convey that they aren’t worthy of their feelings. This leads to shame, frustration, and anger, which can fester if left unaddressed.
Emotional Range is Not a Weakness
Boys can be both empathetic and adventurous. They can shed tears when hurt and celebrate joyfully when happy. The notion that they must embody a stoic archetype to be “real men” benefits no one. Authenticity is powerful; being strong doesn’t mean denying vulnerability.
Affecting Relationships with Others
Using phrases like “man up” sends a damaging message to girls, suggesting that women are weaker or less capable. That creates a false dichotomy that limits everyone. While boys naturally express emotions in their early years, societal pressures often teach them that such behavior isn’t “manly.” They learn that asking questions or admitting ignorance is unacceptable.
Redefining Strength
Real strength lies in handling emotions responsibly, not in maintaining a façade of control. Many of these outdated ideas stem from older generations who were taught that men shouldn’t cry or show fear. However, times have changed, and it’s essential to embrace a new understanding. I want my sons to grow up knowing they can be their authentic selves without fear of judgment.
I won’t tell my boys to “toughen up” or “just deal with it.” Instead, I will support them in expressing who they truly are. I will check in on their feelings as much as I do with my daughter, even if they try to brush it off. I believe that openness will help them grow into strong, confident individuals.
Ultimately, we want to cultivate a generation of young people who are emotionally equipped and self-assured, regardless of gender.
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Summary
In raising my sons, I reject outdated notions that encourage emotional suppression. Instead, I strive to foster an environment where they can express their feelings openly, paving the way for them to grow into confident men who embrace their true selves.