By: Sarah Johnson
Updated: November 18, 2023
Writing about grief can be daunting. Accepting that I’ve been in a state of mourning for over three years feels overwhelming, making me want to escape into a Netflix binge with a large glass of wine instead.
My mother, whom I affectionately called Mimi, was my greatest supporter and confidante. I lost her in July.
Reflecting on my journey, I realize I’ve been experiencing anticipatory grief ever since she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. The process began just days after I shared the news of my twin pregnancy. While she endured the loss of her reproductive system—the very system that had given me life—I celebrated the birth of my two daughters. This bittersweet connection was not lost on me.
As I navigated my grief, I also had to engage fully in the demanding world of motherhood. Juggling breastfeeding two infants, sleep training, and managing temper tantrums while dealing with my own grief was a challenge. My daughters, now preschoolers, are remarkably perceptive. They can sense when something isn’t right. So, how do you parent through grief? This question has been one of the most complex, yet meaningful aspects of my journey.
Here are three key insights I’ve gathered along the way:
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Set the Emotional Tone.
As parents, especially mothers, we often set the emotional atmosphere of our homes. This doesn’t mean striving for perfection; it means embracing authenticity. By openly expressing my emotions, I’ve been able to navigate the heavy feelings surrounding my mother’s illness and eventual passing. My daughters frequently ask, “Are you happy or sad?” I don’t shy away from naming my sadness. When they offer hugs and kisses, I acknowledge, “That helps me feel better.” However, they also pick up on my emotional state, and it’s often during my lowest moments that they need me the most.
I’ve had to lean on my support system for help with school pickups, playdates, and ensuring I don’t stretch myself too thin. I’ve learned that during times of personal grief, it’s essential to be gentle with my parenting approach. As my mom would say, “Embrace ‘good enough’ parenting.” For me, this means allowing extra TV time, letting the kids explore the park while I take a breather on a bench, and not stressing over crafting the perfect dinner. Taking care of my emotional wellbeing enables me to be present for my daughters as they navigate their own emotional landscapes.
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Legacy Lives On.
I frequently draw upon my mother’s wisdom through late-night texts, cherished emails, and family mantras she created. I’ve compiled these into a small notebook that serves as a comforting reminder of her lasting impact on my daughters’ lives, even in her absence. Phrases like “love is a verb” and “feelings are facts” resonate deeply.
To keep her memory alive, I created an iBook titled The Story of GranMimi, showcasing her interactions with my girls from day one. It’s a story we revisit whenever they express missing her. I’ve come to realize that no matter how fleeting our time together was, the quality of those moments is what truly matters.
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Grief in Waves.
Although it’s been a few months since my mother’s passing, she remains a constant topic of conversation with my three-year-olds. Their remarks range from “Mummy, if you want to see your mummy, you have to die too” to the poignant “I miss her,” and even “Mummy, Mimi lives in our hearts now.”
I once spoke with a compassionate grief counselor who explained that children grieve in puddles—one moment they’re sad, and the next, they’re happily engaged in a new activity. When I explained my mother’s death to my daughters, I used straightforward language, such as “died from cancer” and “her body stopped working.” I was ready for an emotional flood, but they listened, hugged me, and then went back to their play.
I find myself grieving in similar waves. One moment I’m laughing, and the next, I’m engulfed in sorrow. With time, I’m learning to accept that the depth of my grief reflects the depth of my love.
Ultimately, I’ve learned that we never fully “get over” grief; instead, we develop strategies to manage it—much like motherhood. We continually adapt, recalibrating our approach as we strive to start fresh each day. Embracing the messiness of this experience, I aim to model healthy emotional processing for my children. By discussing the legacy of their incredible GranMimi, we can all navigate the waves of grief together.
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In summary, navigating the waters of motherhood while grieving is undeniably challenging. It requires honesty, support, and a deep acknowledgment of the emotional journey we all face.