One day, when my oldest child, Lily, was nearing two years old, I faced a challenge during diaper changing. She squirmed and giggled, turning the situation into a playful game of avoidance. With time running out, my attempts to distract her with toys or use my firm “Mommy means business” voice were futile. In a moment of desperation, I did something I never imagined I’d resort to: I gave her a gentle swat on the rear.
It was barely a tap, and she didn’t even cry, but I felt awful afterward. I’m not a proponent of spanking; I was just exhausted and out of ideas. It hit me that I was punishing her simply for being an energetic, curious toddler.
Realizing we were going to be late regardless, I shifted my approach. I turned getting her dressed into a silly game, and to my surprise, she eagerly participated, and we managed to leave the house fully clothed.
It’s easy to forget how very little toddlers are, especially when they seem to grow up so quickly. According to a national survey by Zero to Three, parents often have unrealistic expectations for the behavior of their toddlers. Many of us expect our 2- and 3-year-olds to have more self-control than they are capable of at that age. In fact, real self-control doesn’t start to develop until around ages 3 or 4, and it takes even longer for kids to apply it consistently.
It may seem like toddlers know how to behave at times, especially the firstborns who can appear almost mature compared to their younger siblings. As a mom of three, I can affirm that my first child at age two seemed so advanced compared to my youngest. But the reality is that toddlers and preschoolers are still learning about the world and their role in it. They’re like sponges soaking up knowledge, but they are still quite small and unable to meet our expectations consistently.
Research from the University of Texas at Austin and New York University highlights that mothers who believe their children fully understand the rules and can control their behavior are more likely to employ strict discipline methods. In contrast, those who recognize their toddlers’ developmental limitations tend to adopt gentler teaching strategies. Trust me, the gentle approach is not only more effective in the long run but also creates a more harmonious atmosphere for both parents and children.
We need to remember that children under 3 or 4 often lack the capacity to manage their behavior. Accepting this reality allows us to approach their actions with empathy and utilize positive strategies to guide them. Punishing a child for age-appropriate behavior is not only unfair, it’s counterproductive to helping them learn self-regulation. For further insights, you can check out Zero To Three’s resource on toddler self-control.
Parenting little ones is undoubtedly challenging. I’ve navigated the whirlwind of three toddlers and have worked with many more. While they can be a handful, they are also incredibly joyful and entertaining. By viewing them as little learners rather than tiny terrors, we can embrace these early years with more laughter and less frustration.
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Summary
Navigating toddler behavior can be challenging, especially when parents have unrealistic expectations. Understanding that toddlers are still learning and developing self-control can lead to more effective and gentle parenting strategies. Embracing their curious nature instead of punishing them for typical toddler behavior can make parenting more enjoyable.