People frequently inquire, “How has the transition to motherhood been for you?” Much like casual acquaintances’ greetings of “How’s everything?” on the street, it often feels like a question that doesn’t invite a genuine response. New mothers are expected to beam down at their little ones and exclaim, “It’s incredible!” before diving back into their chaotic routines.
I’ve attempted to share my authentic feelings, saying, “It’s not as challenging as I imagined.” (I was anxious that my life would come to a halt.) I’ve also expressed, “It’s tough, I’m fatigued, but he’s a wonderful baby.” (Most of the time.) Or simply, “Well, the lack of personal time can be disheartening.” (That’s hard to deny, right?) However, these honest admissions often trigger raised eyebrows or concerned glances, suggesting I should seek professional help or hand my child over to social services.
Let’s get real for a moment. Life with children, especially a newborn, is undeniably challenging. It encompasses all the beautiful experiences — thrilling, heartwarming, miraculous. Yet, it doesn’t diminish the monumental effort it takes to keep a newborn alive while we juggle our own well-being (between diaper changes, late-night feedings, and sleepless nights, we’re still trying to care for ourselves). We now truly understand the mothers who rolled their eyes at us back in college when we claimed to be “so busy/tired/stressed.” We simply had no idea.
As my son approaches his first birthday (and with a second on the way — apparently, I didn’t find it miserable enough to not try again), I’ve realized that mothers need to live too. We must take time to heal, rest, and bond with our babies, but once the fog lifts and we’re no longer operating on zombie mode, it’s crucial to carve out moments for ourselves. Yes, it’s attainable. This insight comes from someone who relocated abroad, far from family and friends, and thus, built-in babysitters.
Here’s how to reconnect with yourself:
1. Ask for Assistance.
Begin with your partner. It doesn’t matter if they’re busy with work or engrossed in video games. Parenting is a shared responsibility, and for you to thrive as a mother (and possibly the primary caregiver), you need some breathing room. Consider arranging several hours each week dedicated to whatever you wish — even if that means doing nothing.
2. Revisit Your Passions.
Were you a runner, artist, or baker? Once you feel ready (and have received clearance from your doctor for physical activities), dive back into what you love! I run when my baby sleeps or take him along in a jogging stroller. As a writer, although I can’t produce freelance articles like before, I make it a point to journal daily. Find activities you cherished before motherhood and try to incorporate them back into your life, even if on a smaller scale.
3. Prioritize Sleep.
Yes, it sounds like a joke, but sleep is essential, particularly for exhausted moms. Your baby is likely sleeping anywhere from 11 to 18 hours a day, even if not all at night. If you’re on maternity leave or staying home, aim to take at least one nap when your baby sleeps. If you feel overwhelmed by chores, hit the bed early. Consider asking your partner to take the baby on weekends or seek out a family member or friend. New moms often hesitate to ask for help or fear being labeled “lazy.” Embrace any opportunity to rest — your baby is counting on you.
4. Get Outside.
Taking your newborn into the great outdoors can be daunting. I delivered my son at home, and for a time, stepping outside felt impossible. However, being cooped up took a toll on my mental health. When I finally ventured out for a walk, it brought a wave of relief and a sense of normalcy. Plus, it felt great to know that we could both survive the experience!
5. Don’t Let Motherhood Deter You From Pursuing Your Dreams.
Society often pressures mothers to put their aspirations on hold, suggesting that their hopes and dreams should be sacrificed for their children. While motherhood is undoubtedly demanding, it isn’t the end of your goals; instead, it’s a speed bump. You might need to slow down for a few months, but no dream must fade because you’ve become a mother. We don’t expect fathers to abandon their career ambitions, so don’t feel obligated to limit yourself. If you want to stay home, that’s perfectly fine! But if you wish to return to school or start a new career, you absolutely can.
As I look forward to raising a soon-to-be toddler and another baby, I’ve discussed my desire to attend law school with those close to me, encountering a slew of questions about the “babies.” Yet, when my husband pursued his MBA while working full-time, no one batted an eye. So, I brushed off the irrelevant questions, focused on the important ones (like childcare and loans), and applied for law school next year.
Motherhood is undeniably tough. Even the strongest among us need rest and time to adjust. However, we can, despite what some articles may suggest, “have it all.” It may require sacrifices from the entire family and possibly impact our finances, but it is achievable.
If you’re currently in the midst of adjustment, waking every two hours, and feeling overwhelmed by the thought of showering this week, remember that this phase will pass. It’s the nature of life. Time may fly by in a blur — sometimes a tearful one — but it will eventually calm. When it does, remember your dreams and aspirations. You’re now a role model for someone who will look up to you, and you’ll want to inspire them to follow their own dreams.
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Summary:
Navigating motherhood can be a challenging journey, but it’s essential to prioritize your own well-being during this transition. By asking for help, revisiting your passions, ensuring you get enough sleep, spending time outdoors, and continuing to pursue your dreams, you can thrive as both a mother and an individual. Remember, this phase is temporary, and maintaining your identity is vital for you and your growing family.