When I was around 8 or 9 years old, a girl with vibrant red hair came to live with us for a while. I can’t recall if she was with us for a few days or a couple of weeks, but one memory stands out: she wet the bed. It struck me as strange since she was older than me. I later learned, either through conversation or by eavesdropping, that she was staying with us because her father had done terrible things, like hurling baby kittens against the wall during drunken rages. She often cried herself to sleep.
My childhood was fairly typical, but I was acutely aware that it could have been very different. My mom grew up in a nurturing and stable environment, while my dad’s upbringing mirrored that of our red-haired guest. Dysfunction was not a stranger in our home.
My paternal grandfather was a corrupt police officer who once chased his children down an alley with his service weapon, thankfully too intoxicated to hit anything. My dad’s mother, despite her Catholic faith, had six children with six different fathers and often spiraled into blind rages fueled by her alcoholism.
It would have been easy for my dad to perpetuate the cycle of addiction, abuse, and dysfunction that plagued his family. Many of his siblings did just that. I vividly remember the day my mother answered a phone call and sank to the floor, devastated by the news that my uncle Doug—my charming, witty uncle—had taken his own life. I was just 10; he was 24 and newly married. The scars from their childhood experiences ran deep, and the demons they inherited constantly clashed within their minds.
Yet, at some point, my dad made a conscious decision to break that cycle. He fought against those inner demons through a mix of self-awareness, prayer, support from my mom, sheer determination, and who knows what else. He took on his personal battles with fierce courage.
We were aware of the struggles he faced. There were moments of anger that hinted at the monsters lurking beneath the surface. Most parents experience anger, but it feels different when those demons are present. We could sense the underlying danger in the air when his rage threatened to spill over. Despite his efforts, he couldn’t always shield us from the fallout.
But he talked to us. He shared stories about his past, what his childhood was like, and the challenges of parenting when you come from a broken home. When he faltered in his internal skirmishes, he apologized. Even as a child, I understood how growing up in a chaotic and abusive environment made it difficult for my dad to parent differently. I recognized that he was fighting hard against his instincts, that the war within him was ongoing, even during moments of peace.
Though he often fought his battles in solitude, he was not alone. I have met many parents who, like him, have risen from painful pasts to carve out a healthier future for their children. These cycle-breaking champions are remarkable in their resilience and strength.
Parenting is challenging enough, even for those with stable backgrounds. I can’t imagine having to go against everything I’ve known, everything I was taught, and even the subconscious patterns that tried to guide my actions. It takes remarkable bravery to dismantle cycles of abuse.
If you’re a parent who feels drained from battling your own demons, know this: your efforts are invaluable. Your children will benefit from your struggles more than you can imagine. You may not win every battle, but if you remain open and honest with them, they’ll understand that fighting for a better future comes at a cost. As they grow and come to understand their own humanity, they will thank you for your sacrifices.
Sometimes, I think about that red-haired girl whose name escapes me. I like to imagine her thriving now, perhaps with her own kids, waging her own battles for a brighter future. Maybe she, too, has become a cycle-breaker like my dad, striving to raise her children with minimal scars. I can envision her, filled with determination, her fiery locks billowing as she pushes back against the shadows that threaten her children’s happiness.
Her kids will be grateful for her courage, just as I am for my father’s.
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Summary
My father confronted his family’s history of dysfunction and abuse to create a healthier environment for my siblings and me. Despite the shadows of his past, he fought against the cycle of addiction and anger through self-awareness and open communication. His journey inspires me to recognize the strength required to break cycles of dysfunction and the importance of being transparent with our children about our struggles.