By: Jake Thompson
As I navigate my journey through therapy for anxiety, my therapist has posed some challenging questions about my core values. Interestingly, she pointed out that many of my beliefs are rooted in “not” statements. For example, when discussing my career aspirations, I expressed a desire “not to get fired.” When exploring my spiritual beliefs, I mentioned a hope “not to end up in hell.” And when it came to my role as a parent and partner, I simply stated, “not to be like my dad.”
My father was not a good role model. He left my mother when I was just 9 years old, and his struggles with addiction ultimately led to his untimely death after multiple marriages. I often found myself using my hard-earned money to bail him out of jail, a heavy burden for someone so young. It felt as though he treated family life like a series of franchises, moving from one to the next without a second thought.
The messy divorce between my parents forced me into an uncomfortable position, where I had to choose sides at a time when I longed for harmony. I want to spare my children from the turmoil of shifting between homes and having to scrape together bail money for me.
My therapist noted that when she hears “not statements,” she recognizes underlying anxiety. It suggests that someone is fleeing from something rather than moving towards a clear goal. This realization led me to contemplate what I genuinely want for myself and my family.
Having grown up in a broken home, I can attest that parental abandonment can be a powerful motivator. I spent a significant part of my twenties and thirties striving to be the opposite of my father. He struggled with alcoholism, so I chose sobriety. He never attended college, while I made that a priority. He abandoned multiple families, so I made a conscious choice to commit to my marriage.
Although my marriage has its challenges, I firmly believe that divorce is not an option for us. My father walked out when things got tough; I am determined to work through issues and emerge stronger as a couple.
Through this reflective process, I’ve grappled with an important question: Does avoiding my father’s mistakes equate to being a good father? This is a crucial consideration for anyone raised in a dysfunctional household. Acknowledging the desire to surpass the standards set by less-than-dedicated parents can feel daunting, especially when the bar is already so low.
My journey toward understanding my values has compelled me to focus on the positive aspects of parenting. I want my children to feel my unwavering love and security. I want them to witness a healthy relationship between their mother and me—one that embodies love in action. It’s essential that they see me take her on dates, surprise her with flowers, and navigate our disagreements with respect and compromise. I want them to observe my dedication, whether it’s going to work each day or offering heartfelt prayers for their well-being at dinner.
It wasn’t until my thirties that I began to shift my perspective from what I didn’t want to be as a parent to what I aspire to become. I hope to instill in my children the importance of looking forward to their own aspirations rather than being consumed by fears of repeating past mistakes.
Ultimately, I cannot dictate the paths my children will take. I can’t force them to become compassionate partners or responsible individuals. However, I can serve as a positive example, showing them what it means to be a good father. In doing so, I hope to provide them with a foundation far richer than what I received.
For those considering the journey of parenthood, whether through traditional means or innovative methods, it’s vital to find resources that support your aspirations. Check out this excellent resource for guidance on fertility treatments, and explore this insightful post for additional information. If you’re looking into at-home insemination kits, Make a Mom offers a comprehensive guide.
Summary
In navigating the complexities of parenthood, I reflect on my own challenging upbringing and strive to be a better father for my children. Rather than focusing on what I don’t want to emulate from my father, I aim to cultivate positive values and set a strong example of love and commitment. Through dedication and action, I hope to instill in my children a clear understanding of what a good parent truly looks like.