Let’s face it: no parent has all the answers, and despite our best efforts, there’s a chance our kids might not turn out exactly how we hope. As a father of three, I often find myself grappling with the fear that one of my children could become the “black sheep” of the family—someone who doesn’t quite reflect the values I’ve instilled. The thought of this terrifies me, as I want nothing more than for each of them to lead successful and compassionate lives.
If I had to pinpoint my ultimate wish for my kids, it would be for them to surpass my own achievements. But if they don’t, how does that reflect on my role as a parent? Working at a university, I frequently teach students about Stephen Covey’s concepts of the Circle of Concern and Circle of Influence.
The Circle of Concern includes a wide range of worries, from our health to global issues, while the Circle of Influence encompasses those aspects we can actually affect. This lesson encourages students to concentrate on their Circle of Influence to gain control over their lives. For instance, while we can’t change the weather, we can choose to carry an umbrella when it rains.
When I teach this, I can’t help but think about my primary concern: What kind of adults will my children become? What values will they hold? And how much blame will I place on myself if they make poor choices?
This dilemma is a central part of parenting. We often feel we have considerable control over our children’s lives, yet they are unique individuals who will ultimately forge their own paths. I battle with this reality; it’s hard to accept that they might not turn out to be the incredible people I envision. If they stray from that path, I know I’ll scrutinize my parenting choices and likely feel guilty about it. I want to avoid this for both their sake and mine.
Instead of fretting over what I can’t control, I’ve started to focus on my Circle of Influence. The truth is, the only thing I truly have control over is myself. I can set a positive example as a father, teach my children meaningful lessons, and show them how to treat others with respect. I can embody my values and demonstrate how to navigate the world ethically.
In today’s society filled with negative influences, it’s vital to instill a strong foundation in my children. They will eventually engage with social media, form political opinions, and align themselves with various causes. While I can’t shield them from every outside influence, I can create an environment at home that encourages open dialogue about the type of people they aspire to be.
This all comes down to action—showing and living the principles I want them to embrace. It’s essential for us as parents to recognize the impact of our actions and how our children interpret them. We should communicate our expectations clearly and continually reinforce the values we want them to adopt.
Many parents, like you, are likely doing just that. You’re guiding your children towards a promising future by embodying love and care in your everyday lives. By actively participating in your Circle of Influence, you’re laying the groundwork for your children to reach their potential.
As I reflect, I often come across memes suggesting that parents are responsible for parenting the ‘jerk’ out of their kids. While humorous, I find myself pondering the practical steps to achieve this. It seems to boil down to maximizing our Circle of Control—seizing every chance to raise children who are good, strong, and moral. And if, despite our best efforts, they choose a different path, we can take solace in knowing we provided them with a thoughtful foundation.
In the end, isn’t it what every parent desires? To feel confident that they did everything possible to guide their children right?
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Summary
Parenting is filled with uncertainty, and despite our best efforts, we can’t control how our children turn out. The key is to focus on what we can influence—our own actions and the values we instill in our kids. By leading by example and fostering open communication, we can guide them toward becoming the best versions of themselves. In the end, as parents, we hope to feel confident that we have done everything in our power to support their growth.