Dec. 8, 2023
In the past, it was the f-word that raised eyebrows. Then came the c-word. Occasionally, I stumble upon an x-word that leaves me puzzled. The alphabet certainly plays host to a range of contentious letters, all designed to shock, inspire giggles, or ruffle our feathers. No consonant escapes scrutiny, and no vowel remains untouched.
Recently, the p-word made headlines during an election cycle (which one, again? It was hard to miss…). This single term sent the nation into a moral whirlwind. Personally, I don’t have a problem with the p-word; I’ve even affectionately used it when referring to my cat or a tree. However, there’s another p-word that really gets under my skin: polite. And I’m determined not to impose it on my daughters.
I have two daughters who are generally respectful—most of the time. They accept criticism gracefully, well, occasionally. They rarely talk back, except to their parents, a memo we ensured they received long before potty training. Yet there are moments when they need to assert themselves, to stand up for themselves and others, regardless of age. Unfortunately, the standards we’ve set, along with the pressure to be polite, have caused them to be overlooked. I, too, find myself falling into this trap from time to time.
So why do we continue to wield the p-word against our otherwise wonderful girls, especially when the situation calls for a little assertiveness? This outdated expectation keeps us silent and afraid. It’s time to say goodbye to it.
Take My 10-Year-Old, For Instance
She’s a gymnast—a cautious one, thanks to a bit of fear of heights, but she pours her heart into it. Frustrated by her apprehension, her coach often resorts to a rather unhelpful style of motivation: “What are you? A baby?” or “The 7-year-olds are doing this!” He doesn’t realize that this approach only serves to paralyze her and erode her confidence. After one particularly harsh practice, she came to me in tears, saying, “He told me I’d never be a good gymnast if I didn’t push myself.” She talked about quitting.
While his points may hold some truth in theory, words can leave lasting scars. Though I could confront him about his choice of language, I prefer to encourage my daughter to advocate for herself, to dismiss the insults and give him a glare that would melt steel. Yet she remains—wait for it—too polite.
This is not an uncommon scenario. Many women have been told to “Smile more!” or faced unwanted attention in various forms. We’ve been conditioned to accept bad behavior and to wrap our grievances in soft language. Instead of teaching our daughters to endure, we should be equipping them with the tools to express their needs assertively.
There’s a time and place for “That doesn’t work for me,” or “I appreciate your input, Coach, but threats won’t motivate me.” Speaking up isn’t rudeness; rudeness is never acceptable, but learning to be our own advocates is essential. Just as we swat mosquitoes away, we must learn to stand up to those who show aggression.
Empowering Our Daughters
Ultimately, I’m proud of my girls for being well-mannered. Even when they slip into the teenage years (my other daughter is a teenager—need I say more?). I will continue to nurture kindness, patience, and empathy in them. After all, we aren’t barbarians. However, if anyone dares to impose unreasonable expectations of politeness on my daughters, I’ll be right there, cheering them on as they stand their ground, even if it means being labeled with less flattering terms. That, I can live with.
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In summary, it’s time we stop using the p-word as a tool to stifle strong voices. Instead, let’s empower our daughters to speak up for themselves and stand tall in their beliefs.