Updated: Dec. 20, 2016
Originally Published: Dec. 13, 2016
When my cousin Alice offered me her famous holiday cookies this year, I couldn’t help but say how excited I was to receive them. In reality, I could do without another batch of her nutty concoctions that nearly turned my teeth to mush and made me trip over my own feet as I tossed them in the trash. But, let’s be honest—seeing her face light up with joy is worth a little white lie. I’d much prefer my children to witness a harmless fib rather than watch me crush her spirits with the truth.
This scenario is similar to when the pediatrician asks about my kids’ screen time, and I confidently declare, “Oh, just an hour!” Everyone in the room knows it’s a stretch, but hey, we parents deserve a break sometimes, right? The reality is, as our kids grow, they observe these little falsehoods and might start to experiment with their own. Fortunately, we can guide them toward embracing honesty, as we often know when they’re putting on their “lying faces.”
It’s essential for them to grasp that honesty is a virtue worth striving for. If my kids come to me claiming they didn’t finish their veggies, even though I just caught the act, they’re going to get more peas as a consequence. If they insist they didn’t hit their sibling—while the evidence is clear—I make sure they apologize and do something kind for their sibling to reinforce the importance of truthfulness.
Sometimes, however, a little white lie can be justified. For instance, if we’re dining at a friend’s house and the food is less than appetizing, my kids might say, “Thank you, it was lovely,” instead of expressing their true sentiments. And in return, they might get a treat on the way home for not causing a scene. The ability to discern when a fib is acceptable is a lesson worth teaching.
I want my children to understand that lying doesn’t define their character. It’s crucial to communicate that while dishonesty is wrong, everyone makes mistakes, and it’s okay to admit them. I reassure them that they’re good kids who made a poor choice and can rectify it by being truthful. This creates a safer environment where they feel comfortable sharing their mistakes.
I try to avoid lengthy emotional discussions about lying, as it’s a common phase for kids, even those who generally behave well. With a straightforward approach, saying something like, “If you come clean, the consequences will be lighter for both of us,” encourages them to be honest. Instead of focusing on my feelings of hurt when they lie, I aim to foster a space free of fear that might lead to more dishonesty.
Trust is a fragile thing, and when my youngest blurts out wild claims like, “The cat painted the walls!” I need to address it carefully. I remind him that if something truly important arises, he needs to be credible, or I might overlook his genuine pleas for help. We all know how the tale of “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” illustrates the importance of being truthful.
As my children mature, discussions about honesty become more serious, especially regarding their whereabouts and friends. I find that cooling off after a heated moment allows us to engage in a more productive conversation later. This approach fosters open communication, as no child is likely to divulge the truth while their parent is on the verge of losing it.
In my experience, a blend of discipline, understanding, and a touch of humor—like offering a slice of Alice’s infamous cookies—has helped navigate our way through various instances of untruths. If that fails, a playful reminder about stepping on toes works wonders!