The statistics surrounding sexual assault are alarming, with reports indicating that 1 in 6 women have faced completed or attempted rape. Although many incidents go unreported, research suggests that 1 in 5 girls are victims of childhood sexual abuse. Self-reported data reveals that approximately 20% of women have experienced sexual assault or abuse during their childhood. Personally, I seem to be part of that 20% — the 1 in 6 — as most of the women I know have endured some form of sexual violence. Thus, the question isn’t “Did you experience assault?” but rather “When did it happen?”
To effectively engage with this topic, we need to establish a respectful approach. First, we must prioritize trigger warnings, even if some may dismiss them as unnecessary. While it might be annoying to type “*** TRIGGER WARNING BELOW ***” in an online discussion, these warnings are critical for those who have faced trauma. They allow individuals to decide how and when to confront reminders of their experiences, which is a choice that was often taken from them. Encountering triggering content can re-traumatize individuals, leaving them feeling powerless once more.
Next, we must foster an open and supportive community, where people can candidly discuss their assaults. This requires those who are strong enough to share their stories, not necessarily in graphic detail but in a way that encourages others to speak up. I, for instance, was sexually abused as a child and faced two rapes during my college years. By sharing my experiences, I invite others to share theirs, creating a shared healing space where we can acknowledge that we are not alone, we are not to blame, and our assaults do not define us.
When someone reveals their experience, we should approach it with the same gravity as we would upon hearing about a death. This can be seen as a loss — the loss of innocence and control over one’s body. The most appropriate response is, “I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do?” Avoid physical contact like hugs, as the person may not want to be touched while discussing their trauma. Steer clear of responses that shift the focus back onto yourself, such as gasps or expressions of disbelief.
Initially, our instinct might be to inquire about the details: “What happened?” However, it’s crucial to resist this impulse. If the individual wants to share specifics, they will do so in their own time. Avoid probing questions about the timing, location, or reporting of the incident. Your role is to provide support and keep the focus solely on the individual sharing their experience.
If details are shared, your sole responsibility is to listen attentively. Show that you’re engaged by nodding, but refrain from expressing shock, disbelief, or anger, as these reactions can inadvertently center the conversation on you. Acceptable responses include affirmations like, “I’m so sorry,” or “That should never have happened.” It’s vital to remind them that none of this is their fault.
Above all, never question the validity of their experience. Phrasing like, “Are you sure it happened that way?” can derail any constructive dialogue and inflict further harm. Statements that cast doubt on their experience can reinforce feelings of self-blame and shame, which is counterproductive to fostering a supportive environment.
It’s also essential to care for yourself during these discussions, especially if you are a survivor too. Should the conversation become triggering, it’s okay to excuse yourself gently. Pay attention to your emotional state — if you feel overwhelmed, it may be necessary to step away or seek support for yourself. Therapy can be an excellent option for those who need additional help.
Rape and sexual assault are devastating and transformative experiences. As we work towards bringing these issues into the light, we must establish guidelines that honor those who have suffered. Only by creating a safe space for individuals to share their stories can we foster compassion and understanding.
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Summary:
When individuals are ready to speak about their experiences of sexual assault, it is vital that we listen with empathy and respect. Establishing a safe environment with trigger warnings, supportive listening, and compassionate responses can help victims feel safe sharing their stories. It’s essential to refrain from questioning their experiences and focus on providing support. As we work to bring these issues into the open, we must ensure that our conversations are grounded in understanding and kindness.