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- Time-Outs: Are They Really Effective?
by Jamie Collins
Updated: Jan. 22, 2021
Originally Published: Dec. 15, 2016
When it comes to parenting, I’ve always preferred to follow my instincts rather than subscribing to a specific philosophy. I co-slept and breastfed my children for an extended period simply because it felt right. At the same time, I’ve allowed a generous amount of screen time, ensured they are vaccinated, and been more lenient with junk food than I’d like to admit. You get the idea: my motto is balance and “whatever works.”
Discipline has been no different for me. I’ve experimented with sticker charts, allowances, yelling (or not yelling), and taking away privileges. I’ve tried various methods to see what resonates with each child, all while hoping I’m not making too many mistakes along the way.
However, one thing has always been clear: time-outs are not a part of our parenting approach. My instincts tell me that isolating a child who is already feeling emotional or upset seems unnecessary and, frankly, a bit harsh.
I realize that time-outs are widely used, and many readers might be thinking, “We’ve used time-outs for years, and they work just fine,” or “What is she talking about?” Some may even feel frustrated by my perspective, especially after I just mentioned my lack of rigid parenting beliefs.
To clarify, I understand that there are moments when a brief separation from a child who is being overly emotional or misbehaving can be beneficial. If a child is in a situation that poses a danger to themselves or others, it’s crucial to remove them from that environment quickly. And yes, there are times when we parents need a breather, whether it’s stepping out of the room or taking a moment to regain our composure.
But when a child is simply acting out for non-harmful reasons—being sassy, whiny, or just a little unruly—using time-outs as punishment can miscommunicate the message. Misbehavior often indicates that a child is struggling and needs support, not isolation. Time-outs can inadvertently disconnect them from the very people who can help them navigate their emotions.
Dr. Lisa Green and Dr. Mark Thompson, authors of Raising Resilient Kids, succinctly summarize the issue in a recent interview: “Even when given in a loving manner, time-outs can inadvertently teach children that when they mess up or feel overwhelmed, they will be left alone—an experience often interpreted as rejection.” They continue, “This sends the message that we only want to be around them when they’re behaving well.”
As parents, we need to convey that while certain behaviors are unacceptable, we’re not rejecting the child themselves. The challenge is that young kids often struggle to distinguish between the two. Research indicates that feelings of rejection can be as painful as physical discomfort for children, making the experience of time-outs potentially harmful.
Moreover, time-outs often fail as a long-term solution. According to Green and Thompson, “Many parents believe that time-outs help kids calm down and reflect on their actions. In reality, they can lead to increased anger and dysregulation.”
So, what are some alternatives? The authors advocate for “time-ins,” where you sit down with your child to discuss feelings and reflect together.
Let’s be honest—while I love the concept of “time-in,” it doesn’t always work. Depending on their mood, one of my kids may reject the idea outright, making it impossible to have a constructive conversation. In those cases, I’ve had to get creative with managing their behavior—removing privileges like screen time or canceling plans, always doing so with respect for their feelings and without resorting to isolation.
The key is to ensure that whatever disciplinary action you take communicates love and support. It’s essential that your child understands that your love is unconditional and that they’re not “bad” for their mistakes.
Ultimately, discipline should be about teaching valuable lessons in a positive and affirming way. While it’s possible to implement time-outs in a way that respects a child’s feelings, if they lead to threats, isolation, and feelings of guilt or shame, it might be time to explore other forms of discipline. For more insights on effective parenting strategies, you might find this resource on fertility and pregnancy helpful. Also, check out this informative post on at-home insemination kits for additional perspectives.
In summary, balancing discipline with empathy is crucial. Instead of relying on time-outs, consider engaging your child through “time-ins” or other methods that foster connection and understanding.