“What if I end up alone for the rest of my days?”
I found myself sobbing in my therapist’s office, a box of tissues on my lap. This fear haunted me. Four years had passed since my husband’s death, a loss that shattered my world. Now, I was grappling with a painful breakup, feeling more lost than ever. It felt like the lowest point in my life. The cumulative weight of those years had finally caught up with me, and I feared I couldn’t bear any more heartache. The thought of being alone forever was terrifying.
I entered the session expecting sympathy, perhaps some comforting words assuring me that everything would be alright. Instead, my therapist prompted, “Can you share a bit about your past relationships?”
Her question took me by surprise. What did my history have to do with my current pain? But I complied, discussing my recent breakup, my marriage, and my previous partners, as well as my bond with my two daughters. When I finished, she remarked, “It seems you heavily rely on relationships for happiness. Maybe it’s time to find joy within yourself.”
Once again, I dismissed her. I was a 49-year-old single mother, juggling work and raising two teenagers. How could I possibly find time for myself? The idea seemed ludicrous.
Yet, her words lingered in my mind. This time, I allowed myself less time to grieve. As I began to heal, I discovered that my happiest moments were spent at home. Instead of going out, I found myself clearing out drawers and closets. I wasn’t sure why I felt compelled to do this, but it wasn’t just a way to escape the winter chill. Each completed project lifted a little weight from my heart. I was purging — letting go of what no longer served me to welcome change.
With the arrival of spring, my perspective shifted. I began to focus less on the fear of being alone and more on the present and future. I hadn’t made any drastic life changes, but I was feeling more at ease with myself and thinking more clearly than I had in years.
As I reflected on my life, stories began to emerge. I started writing, which led to creating a blog. Before long, readers, including other widows across the country, reached out to connect. Initially, I thought sharing my story would be a personal release, but I discovered it was helping others too. Writing became a newfound passion.
Then, something unexpected happened. One of my readers shared her experience with hot yoga as part of her healing journey. Though skeptical, I decided to give it a try. To my surprise, I loved it.
Hot yoga has since transformed my physical fitness and taught me how to find inner peace and gratitude. Now, I eagerly anticipate my weekly classes, cherishing this precious “me time.” In the process, I’ve become a calmer, more optimistic person.
Amidst these changes, I began dating a wonderful man. Some in my life might attribute my newfound happiness to him, but it’s actually the reverse. I am in a healthier place because I’ve found myself. Learning to rely on my own joys has allowed me to thrive in a loving, balanced relationship.
I often reflect on my therapist’s advice about needing something just for me. She was onto something. My writing and yoga have become vital parts of my life, providing me with personal pursuits. Today, I feel whole, and the future is bright. I no longer fear being alone; for the first time, I’m truly content being myself.
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Summary:
After the devastating loss of her husband, Morgan Ellis struggled with feelings of loneliness and dependency on her relationships. Through therapy and self-discovery, she found joy in writing and hot yoga, paving the way for personal growth. Ultimately, she learned to embrace her independence, leading to a healthier relationship and a brighter outlook on life.