Since 2011, my partner, Alex, and I have been on a relentless journey toward parenthood, a path filled with more heartache than we ever imagined when we first decided to start a family six years ago. People often ask how we maintain our hope amidst such profound loss. As we bid farewell to 2016 and embrace the possibilities of 2017, I find myself reflecting deeply on the essence of true hope—the kind that inspires action and change. It seems many of us are yearning for this kind of hope as we navigate a challenging new year.
So, as we step into 2017, my resolution is to cultivate hope through action:
Two and a half years ago, Alex and I left the hospital the morning after giving birth to our son. Unlike the joyous discharge stories you often hear, our experience was starkly different. We were silent in our car, mourning a future we would never have. Our son was stillborn after bravely battling a rare congenital condition. The nurses kindly offered us the choice to stay, but the thought of being trapped in that place felt unbearable.
That ride home was agonizingly long, especially with the Boston traffic. I shut my eyes, unable to comprehend how life outside our car continued so normally while we were in the depths of grief.
Fast forward to a few months ago, when we boarded a flight from Kansas back to Boston, once again expecting to return with our newborn. I had packed every infant carrier imaginable, envisioning the flight attendants cooing over our baby. But the mother who had chosen us to adopt changed her mind just before giving birth, leaving us to return to our empty home with a perfectly set-up nursery.
These two painful journeys home marked the end of a relentless cycle of IVF, miscarriages, and adoption efforts. Yet, we persist in our hope.
Hope is both a noun and a verb, but neither captures the essence of what I mean. As a noun, hope feels elusive. People may define it differently, often relating it to abstract notions like trust or faith. For someone practical like me, this ambiguity is frustrating.
When expressed as a verb, hope often appears passive. We hope for better weather or that our children sleep in a bit longer. This kind of hope can lead to disappointment when our expectations aren’t met. It’s merely an observation of circumstances rather than an active pursuit of change.
To me, hope and action are inseparable. To hope without fighting is to passively wait for good fortune; to fight without hope is to labor under a cloud of despair. But when we combine hope with action, we cultivate a strong belief in a brighter future and embrace the risks involved in pursuing it.
Interestingly, both losing our son and our recent adoption experience unfolded over the same duration—approximately two years apart. Our son was diagnosed with a terminal condition early in my pregnancy and passed away 100 days later. For those 100 days, we cherished him, knowing we wouldn’t raise him. Each morning, we listened to his heartbeat, using that rhythm to fuel our hope for a miracle. When silence fell on that 100th day, our family dreams were abruptly halted.
Remarkably, the timeline mirrored our adoption journey—100 days passed from the moment we were chosen to the day we learned the mother had decided to parent her child. We had grown to love a baby we would never meet, whispering goodnight across the miles until it all ended without closure.
Living one day at a time helped us survive those crises; however, stepping back to consider the bigger picture was vital when making decisions about our future. If we have 20,000 days ahead of us, the thought of living them without children weighs more heavily than the pain of our recent losses. Choosing to abandon hope today only guarantees more suffering tomorrow. Thus, we continue to fight for the dream of parenthood, leaning on our family, friends, and faith when the burden feels too heavy.
This fighting hope, driven by perspective, is what I commit to embodying in all areas of my life in 2017.
In the aftermath of the election, I came across an insightful essay by Junot Díaz in The New Yorker that resonated deeply. He emphasized that fighting without hope is futile, advocating for a “radical hope” that transcends our current understanding. This practice of hope requires flexibility and imagination, serving as our best defense against despair, even when it seems justified.
This sentiment transcends the individual struggle of parenthood and speaks to the broader challenges we face today. As we enter 2017, it is crucial to hold tightly to our dreams, even in the face of adversity, and to fight with radical hope to achieve them. Despite the many moments of despair we’ve encountered on our journey to parenthood, we persist simply because we refuse to abandon hope.
Here’s to 2017—a year where we unite and fight for hope together. Happy New Year!
For more insights on fertility and the journey to parenthood, check out this resource on boosting your fertility supplements and explore this guide on the IVF process for further understanding.