Six months after losing my first baby, I found myself staring at a pregnancy test that revealed a second line. I hadn’t taken a test since the one confirming the absence of pregnancy hormones after my miscarriage. We affectionately named our first baby “Little Bean,” a baby I had carried for just nine weeks before the heartbreaking news that there was no heartbeat.
The journey to conceive Little Bean had been long and exhausting, filled with anticipation and hope. The first ultrasound shattered our dreams, revealing a “blighted ovum.” That phrase still sends chills down my spine. I experienced a natural miscarriage just days before Mother’s Day, and while the physical pain brought a brief release from my emotional turmoil, the aftermath was daunting. My husband, Jack, was heartbroken as well, and his focus was on supporting me through this unimaginable loss.
The shadow of losing a baby can linger long after the event itself. We had shared our pregnancy news with friends and family, believing we would soon celebrate. The advice often suggests only sharing with those you’d feel comfortable telling about a miscarriage, but after struggling for so long to conceive, it felt right to share. In retrospect, the experience of having to explain our loss was gut-wrenching.
The insensitive comments continued after our loss, such as “When are you two going to have kids?” or “What’s wrong? Can’t you get pregnant?” These words were like daggers to my heart. One month post-loss, at a gathering, a well-meaning acquaintance even patted my belly and asked when the baby was due. It was unbearable.
Most people mean well, but that doesn’t lessen the pain. My reproductive health is a deeply personal matter, and it’s baffling how many feel entitled to ask about it. Fertility struggles and pregnancy loss are sensitive topics that should be treated with care. You never know who might be hurting behind a smile.
Initially, I was eager to try for another baby right away. But after the miscarriage, the pregnancy hormones lingered for weeks. We fell into survival mode, grappling with our grief, and the idea of trying again felt overwhelming. It took several months for my body to find balance again, and during that time, we discussed our desire to conceive once more.
To our surprise, without any charting or planning, I had a gut feeling one morning and took a test that showed a faint second line. Panic coursed through me. “Does this look like a second line to you?” I asked Jack, skipping the planned reveal. He confirmed there was definitely something there. As we went about our day, I felt a knot of anxiety in my stomach, fearing the worst.
After purchasing another test, I confirmed it: pregnant. I expressed my fear to Jack, who acknowledged he felt the same but urged me not to worry. Yet, how could I? The memory of the first ultrasound haunted me. I wished I could pretend I wasn’t pregnant until I held a healthy baby in my arms. Every twinge, every discomfort, felt like a harbinger of doom.
Then, a week after Christmas, I began spotting. Our first doctor’s appointment was still a couple of weeks away, and dread washed over me. I called the doctor, who reassured me that spotting can be common, but I was told to come in for an ultrasound to ease my mind.
Sitting in the examination room, I resolved not to look at the screen. I braced myself for the worst, expecting to leave without good news. When the doctor began the scan, I prepared for heartbreak. Then I heard her voice: “There’s the sac, there’s the little baby, and there’s the heartbeat.”
Jack jumped up, exclaiming with joy, while I finally dared to look. “There’s a baby and a heartbeat?” I gasped. I felt guilty for not being more jubilant. I wanted to protect myself from further heartache, but I also longed for this little life to thrive. “Please, little heart, keep beating. We can’t wait to meet you.”
If you’re navigating a similar journey, remember that your feelings are valid. Seeking support from those who understand can be incredibly helpful. For more information on fertility and pregnancy, check out this excellent resource on IVF here. And if you’re interested in improving your chances of conception, consider exploring fertility supplements from Make A Mom.